Defying Gravity

No Broom Required Policy

2010-11-28T23:04:00.000-05:00

I knew I was going to end up right back there.

But at least if we do it this way, I don't have to stay there for prolonged periods of time, and I can keep my little Lulu safe.

Because I really do need something fluffy and purring to stay sane, apparently.

My little ginger snap of a puppy just doesn't cut it when we're separated for prolonged periods of time.

I simply cannot believe that I am two weeks away from winter break. It doesn't even seem real, let alone possible.

But this is real life. I'm becoming more and more content with this newfangled idea I've arrived at. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

So let me be a blushing bride, and no, you of all people are definitely not invited to my beautiful gorgeously pretty wedding to the person who's made me happiest, because you would ruin it, and quite frankly, you don't deserve to share in our joy.

Safety Pins & Losenages

2010-10-29T20:22:00.000-04:00

An idea.
A pencil sketch.

It's always amazed me that art is basically just covering up mistakes until finally, at the end, the picture looks the way it did in your head, except the artist always finds little places that they know aren't exactly right.

But sometimes, if you try to cover up too many of the mistakes, if you erase too much, you end up worse off than you started.

We're all just sketches.
Un-inked and messy.

And bit by bit, we ink ourselves. We decide which areas look right, and make them permanent.

We make commitments.

And once we've inked the lines and erased the pencil,

we color.

We shade.

And sometimes, we get that wrong too, and then we either accept it for what it is, or start all over again.

We're all just sketches and artists,
trying to decide which lines stay
and which ones go.

Move West to California, Become A Centerfold

2010-08-09T22:32:00.001-04:00

Such an attention whore.

Such a whore. Look at her, she's terrible. Giving away the only thing she has to call her own, just because it's the only thing she feels like she still has control of.

I can take on this role no problem. I can shift through so many different personas by will. I can make shit up and act like it greatly affects me.

But I still can't figure out who the hell I am, and it shows every time I buy more god damn books about growing up and self discovery.

I am a miserable person. Blah. I just want it to stop.

I want it all to click back into place, I want to have more days like Dorney Park that end with a perfect kiss and happy days like getting into college and figuring everything out and stumbling into money and finding peace.

I want everything. But I guess I really don't deserve it.

What have I ever done to deserve it?

Pride

2010-08-08T18:12:00.000-04:00

...is a very lonely sin.

Too damn prideful to ask for help. Too damn prideful to even admit you need help in the first place. Too prideful to admit to something, to prideful to say what bothers you and what you're not okay with.

Too prideful for everything.

Independent. Bah. If only. I would not mind being clingy and following him like a puppy because I know deep down I am that desperate for his love and adoration. But there's no way my pride would ever step aside to let me do that. So instead I sit here by myself turning things over in my mind and coming to the same realization I always do - I do not know who the fuck I am, and thus cannot figure out what the fuck I ever want to do.

Because he was happy that I had my own interests. And I do, admitedly, but that doesn't mean I dislike being attached at the hip in certain situations, specifically those where I am in a strange environment surrounded by strange people I have never met before.

Or even fricken Otakon, where I felt completely abandoned and unwanted, and when we did meet up for certain panels he was cold and cruel and cranky, like he hated being around me. And yeah, I know I goofed with not knowing where the hotel was, but we found it eventually, and I had had other pressing matters filtering in and out of my head that at least in my opinion were much more important than a stupid convention.

But to quote, for a lot of it you do have to go "do your own thing" which works great I supposed with people who aren't morbidly terrified of being alone and suffer from extreme sessions of seperation anxiety which then turns to misplaced aggression.

But it's all my fault anyway because I am way to prideful to ever admit any of this.

I hate that I know all of my problems and cant solve them. It's very fucking frustrating. I really just want to let everything go but I feel that that's sort of denying some sort of emotion.

I don't want to bother anyone, so instead I get angry and defensive because I've lost the ability to hide my tears except not really because he only notices now and then and didn't notice at all during Otakon or Assateague so I guess I'm doing okay.

Because I'm falling apart and I'm completely alone and even though things are getting better they're only better when Im downing pills that make me feel so fake so I don't take them like I'm supposed to and then when I don't my mind is randomly infiltrated by thoughts of betrayal and older memories that manage to link together and wash up to my conscious thought processes and so I cut myself off from touch and words and everything and just want to be alone and at the same time being alone only makes it worse and I just can't win and really don't know what to do.

Especially now. One more week, and then I really am alone again. I'm such a pessimist. I don't want to feel fake but I don't want to keep having random crying sessions and I'm sick of always being so fucking miserable and there's really nothing I can do about it so I hate complaining about it because I know how annoying that can be.

Pride. It's fucking lonely man. Fucking lonely as hell.

Now the Bear Trap is Your Mouth

2010-07-28T03:27:00.001-04:00

Everyone I know is playing StarCraft II.

It's funny how life can keep going on and on when you feel like you're stuck.
Like you've been stuck.
Like you'll always be stuck.

Like you're sitting out on a lake staring up at the sky at 7:03, seven hours pass, and it's 7:04.

No, I am not innebriated. No, I am not intoxicated.

But I'm also not thinking very clearly, if at all. I am fighting all sorts of urges and darknesses and everything is just pissing me off and everyone's reaction is just making me more and more annoyed. Because people are getting pissed at me. Because people are trying to help. Because people are leaving or not leaving or everything or nothing and I don't like any of their reactions and I want to be left alone and be surrounded by people at the same time.

Surrounded just so I know I have to act, have to be a certain way. So I can keep pretending. So that when people repeat that "everything is going to be okay" I can just nod and smile.

There was an investigation, forensics, finger prints, nineteen children died. Seven days in prison.

I am beyond gone. I am beyond desperate. I am just plain lost now, and I've lost all drive to try and pull myself in, so I'm just going to let myself wander more and more until I just deteriorate. I don't want to explain things to people half-cheerily, laughing even though it feels like I'm being stabbed in the stomach every time I replay the tale. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of feeling like I need to make up an exuse for feeling anything, for being worried, stressed, hurt, depressed. For feeling bad about making people worry. I just want it all to stop.

Dear jesus please make it fucking stop.

One Heavy, Collective Soul

2010-07-09T23:05:00.001-04:00

Complicate this world you left for me -
I'm acquainted with your suffering,
And all your weight, it falls on me
It brings me down -
It falls on me.

Isn't this what I was trying to get away from? What I was trying to change? Maybe I really can't get away. Maybe I'm just making things more difficult...

But I have to keep trying.

All your weight, it falls on me... It brings me down...

I can't just give up. I can't let it all be for nothing. I can keep trying, keep moving forward. I can let it all go. And I can stop it from happening again. I can stop it. I know I can. Right?

It falls on me... It falls on me...

I can do this. Really. I can.

And somehow, I wish I could just swallow my pride and admit I need help, admit that I am struggling and really just want to give up. That I want someone to just look at me and tell me everything will be okay, and that what I'm trying to do is in fact the right thing to do.

I want some support... But I don't want to ask for it. I don't want to burden people.

It amazes me how he can just talk to random people like that, asking them questions. It seems so.. I don't know. It throws me off. But I suppose they're all just human. We're all just human, we're all just hanging out here, trying to figure out ourselves and everything else.

I don't want to become another fabricated self-portrait. I don't want everything to be fake and empty and I don't want to keep cutting people off.

I want to be able to let this go, and not fret over things that happened years and years ago.

Bringing me down...

I can do this. And I can do this alone.

Another Piece of the Puzzle

2010-07-06T13:25:00.000-04:00

...that doesn't fit.

I realized I've started putting apostrophies in my writings again. I wonder why. I never used to.

Here in DuBois again, even though I swore I wouldn't come out this time. Not fair at all how easily swayed I am. In fact, it's quite terrible. It's going to get me fucked over, I know it, but oh well. I never have been good at saying no.

And thus...

I am... I am...

Dear lord, I have no idea what I am.

I feel stuck. And I hate it. I feel like I need to do something, change something, but I'm not quite sure what, because I don't want to go back, but I can't really see how far forward I can go at this point in time. So I'm just kind of wading and I really don't like it.

No. Remember. Breathe in, breathe out, let it go.

Just let it all go.

An Epiphany of Sorts

2010-07-02T19:42:00.000-04:00

Alright.

I let it all go once, I can do it again.

Because those few days of just being a girl were amazing. Because my friends are amazing and supportive and wonderful and because everyone, everyone has problems and burdens.

That is not the person I want to be. I want to be happy and lighthearted and beautiful and honest.

I want to be myself no matter who I'm around. And I can do this.

Yeah, Zane burned me. Bad. It hurt. But it's in the past. It shouldn't still bother me. It does, but I need to let it go. Breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.

Yeah, Jekka was my best friend at one point in time. And I still have no idea what caused the chasm between us, but it's there, and there's no closing it, no crossing rickety bridges, just let it go. Breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.

Yeah, I do not have an ideal relationship with either of my parents. Yes, I have issues with being alone and feeling abandoned because of my father. Yes, I'm fearful of weapons and messing up and yelling because of my mother. Yes, I was raised in a pretty violent household, and yes, I feel like I was denied a childhood by raising Jess.
I know deep down, somewhere, my parents are good people. But the key phrase here is that my parents are in fact people. They make mistakes just like anybody else. They have emotions, pasts, hurts, joys. And I know that I will probably always feel guilty, like it was my fault that they had to split up, that I caused all the yelling, fighting, biting, scratching, everything. But it was not my fault. I was a child. Their child. And they couldn't keep it together once I was there. Alright. Okay. I didn't cause it. It was not my fault. So for every hurt and every fight and every night that I stood out on that damn rock staring at the river, breathe in, breathe out, and let it go. Just let it all go.

I don't want to hold on to any of that. I thought maybe that somehow this would turn into a second chance with that group of people, but my head has been filled to the brim with bad memories from trying to get to know them again.

So I am done. I am letting them go. I wish nothing ill upon them, and I know that none of this is their fault, but neither is it mine.

I don't want to be miserable all the time. I don't want to always feel so lonely. So I just simply won't allow myself to.

I have amazing friends that make me laugh and care about me sincerely and wish only the best for me.

I have a new love who is actually nice to me and doesn't constantly batter or berate me or point out everything I'm doing wrong.

I have learned to do things for myself simply for me because it is what I feel I want or need to do.

I am growing up. It's scary, but I have goal in sight, and so long as I am towards it with an upbeat attitude and chipper style, I know I can make it there smiling.

Breathe in, breathe out, and let every single thing go.

Then step out, and feel beautiful again.

Flash Dance

2010-06-20T00:41:00.002-04:00

Strange how much our past experiences affect our present selves.

Strange how hard it is to let go of certain seemingly trivial memories. Words. Phrases. Actions.

You have a wet moth crawling on your face. You saved its life. It is thanking you by making you smile.

Smile.

Tski da nai <3

Unstable Comforts

2010-06-19T00:57:00.000-04:00

Ah. Daily living. Seeing you, seeing him, seeing her. Every morning waking up with something to do, even unplanned. Making plans for later, making plans for now, not planning anything at all.

Being able to sleep in. Having to wake up.

Exercising.

Chilling out.

This is so... Comforting. As everything kind of... Clicks into place. Or at least starts to.

And I realize, you cant force things, you can't come on too strong because then it only ends up breaking up again. And maybe if it's broken, you can't put it back together because you lost a few parts that can't be replaced. It's easier just to accept it, healthier even.

So just breathe in and out and let it go.

Yeah. Me let go. Funny how that seems to somehow work so easily with certain people, and is oh so hard with others.

But if my summer continues like this, and spills into next semester, I would be so happy. I would feel so... safe. Maybe even wanted.

And I find it incredibly unfair that when I am here, alone, my fingers eager to be the gateway for my mind, I can be so articulate, but in situations when something really needs to be said, I lose my ability to think, let alone turn scattered thoughts into actual sounds, words, and sentences. You become so articulate and speak so swiftly, it's almost overwhelming. Actually, scratch the almost, it is incredibly overwhelming, and does nothing to help the fact that I crawl into myself and try to run away to somewhere safer.

I always swore I would never be afraid.

But there are so many things that I am completely terrified of.

Daddy's girl's a fucking monster.
Sugar and razor blades, acid pink lemonade, that's how baby dolls are made.

Hush baby girl. Why does that specific phrase have such a strong effect on me? Why does it reverberate in my head hours, days later, without any type of provocation?

Why am I letting myself be so stupid? I thought I was much more intelligent than this.

The Stars Glow

2010-06-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time.

He said something about how awful the world would be without time, but I'm not quite sure exactly how he phrased it.

I need to stop spending money. I need to stop buying books.

I have a plan for one aspect of summer at least.

I need to call that guy about his damn journal.

I want...

What do I want? I know exactly what I want.

And without her, I feel so alone.

Down Syndrome

2010-06-09T04:02:00.000-04:00

I havent visitied Mumu in quite some time.

Do you believe in epiphanies? Does it really work like that?

Why do these damn books always make me reflect so god damn much... I really wish I could get the fuck out of my own fucking god damn head. But apparently, that is, as always, simply an impossibility.

I miss Onyx. And it fucking hurts.

And I'm not quite sure what I want. Words of comfort? Optimism? Caring? Will that really help any?

I remember when we were young, how we said all these fucked up people attract other fucked up people and somehow by combining all their fucked-upped-ness, for at least a little bit, they feel un-fucked.

But really, the majority of people I've met have had their fair share of problems. Maybe this whole world really is just god damn fucked to hell. Jesus fucks.

That is apparently my word of the day.

Fuck it.

The Noose or the Knife?

2010-06-08T01:20:00.000-04:00

Random conversations with people you barely know are always fun.

Skimming through texts, picking out bits and pieces of all my favorite parts.

Who knew life could provide such interesting, insightful quotations?

It's so funny. About a year ago, actually, almost exactly a year ago, I had my future all planned out and ready to go. And somehow, only one thing so far has gone according to plan. Every single other little bit has completely malfunctioned or changed or evolved or transgressed or something.

I hate time.

Am I really not afraid? No, I'm not. The future doesnt scare me anymore, because Id like to believe that Im strong enough to handle anything life can throw at me. Maybe.

If not, Ill tie all my bad memories up in a bell and let my dear friend watch over it for me and keep me protected from it.

I miss Onyx.

Why does everyone always assume new relationships are going to end poorly? Why cant we be a little more optomistic people? Jeez.

Everyone wants to feel safe, I think.

I do so hate to be considered boring. I havent drawn in quite some time. I have an idea, but Im not sure if it will get onto the paper quite how I want it to.

Smile. Please baby, just smile. And dont scare me like that. Please dont ever scare me like that.

Koe

2010-06-04T04:56:00.000-04:00

I can play Fatal Frame before work.

I only work 4 hours today.

I get to visit the boy afterwards.

I need to shave.

I write too much poetry, and not nearly enough.

I like to draw.

I will never be able to go to bed at the time I want.

People will always come from unexpected places.

Walmart runs at 3am are amazing.

I hope it's beautiful over there.

Running With Blood on Our Knees

2010-06-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

Apparently I need to let up on myself a bit. Because apparently everybody else can see something wonderful that just always escapes my view.

Eh. I dunno.

Got everything booked today. Surprisingly didn't cost an arm or a leg.

Not really feeling this.

Not really feeling much of anything lately.

Am I really stuck on chapter three?

Another Burning Inquiry

2010-05-27T08:43:00.000-04:00

I hate when she's right. I hate that assumes every bad thing that she's ever experienced, I am doomed to experience too. I hate being screamed at, I hate how closed her mind is.

But all of that is said and done and over with.

I just want my cat, a book, and a cup of tea, and I will be happier than a bird with a french fry.

The heat is stifling - I do so prefer fall weather, but I would never wish away this "relaxing" summer. I need to map out my course schedule for this coming semester, make sure I have enough money for books - I should, seeing as Im working so much and have three jobs lined up when I return to campus. Is it really worth it - I'll have plenty of cash and no time to spend it, which means I'll get less aid kuz it'll sit in my bank account and they'll think I can afford anything.

I hate collared shirts. They are not meant for those of us with such flat chests. My "status symbol" in Lucky Star is such an annoyance in this non-animated world.

I want to know what happens in Pandora Hearts. Why oh why must it take so long to release? I have this itching feeling that today will be a 9 or 10 hour shift again - god damn leagues! But if it means I only have an 8 hour shift another day, does it really matter that much? I don't remember what days she had me down on for next week, but hopefully the schedule's done today.

Oie. Boy. What to do about him. That. What? There really is no that now is there... I suppose not. Maybe? I really can't fricken tell, and I think that's why it's bugging me - I do so hate not knowing things.

Journal complete, mostly, well, typed anyway, need to throw it all together at some point tonight, call and let him know. Dunno when I'd be able to get together with the guy though, seeing as I've sold my soul to my employeer. Oie. It's guna be a long summer. Or maybe not. Maybe everything will magically fall into place like it has in the past. I figured out where to live, Im searching for my cat, I get cute texts throughout the day, my car's still running and I'm fed every time I walk through the door. Life's not too bad, in reality.

Naw, in fact, it's quite serene.

Kostova

2010-05-21T22:17:00.000-04:00

I am in a house that is not my own sleeping in a bed I do not own showering with water that is not mine. I am on my own except not really at all so why the hell am I so god damned tired and constantly ready to crash?

This job can't really be taking that much out of me, can it?

And I still have to type and type and type but it's oh so hard to stay focused in typing because the topic is oh so uninteresting. But money is money and I need it right now, especially if I plan to visit certain people again and drag others out to Ohio with me, which by the way, amazing price on that room, really do not know how the hell that managed to happen! Except, how the hell am I supposed to fit four people in my car, especially when all my life's possessions are in it!?

Guess I can move them out... and possibily hide them under Alex's bed where the rest of my life is. It is ever so humbling to live out of a suitcase. But it's also kind of exciting in a way. Oh shoot, I forgot about that damn phone bill. That's coming up soon now isn't it... Drat. But I'm working my ass off every day for this crazy woman at the golf course, so money really should stop being a problem assuming I don't get any more tickets and my car stays in one piece.

I was going to try and be whimsical and philosophical this evening, but I am drained beyond all reason and that bed is looking mighty mighty fine.

He has me slightly worried now, and I miss playing with his hair. Probably won't be able to get together again until his graduation however *sadface*

Oh well. Time for sleep in a strange lady's bed.

Remember How the Coffee Made Us Shake?

2010-05-17T14:46:00.000-04:00

Once again, taking a break from typing this guy's journal to type my own. So glad that I prefer to go virtual - if I ever feel like trying to get a book published, all I have to do is copy paste. However, it would be so much easier if I could actually read his damn handwriting.

I just realized that I have no idea where the bird is, and the door is open. Uh-oh. Keira's cuddled at the food of the bed however, such a sweetheart. Hope was in here a bit before, I have cat hair all over my shirt to prove it, and I caught a glimpse of the other cat as well (Calli?) but she decided not to go past the threshold.

And again, I am amazed at how calm I can be considering all my situations. Homeless. Couch surfing. Poor. Lonely. Confused. And my feet are still cold. But at least I've got clothes and a place to stay for a while, especially because this place offers a great cuddle buddy =)

Oie. So. Yeah. I wonder really. What exactly is this. What exactly do I even want it to be?

Sexually compatible. Check. Similar interests. Check. Loves to cuddle. Check. Interesting. Check. Caring. Check. But I already knew all of that, and it seems to lose all sorts of emotion when you write it out as a list like that. Blah.

Yet still. One should never marry a case study.

A thought struck me the other day, why is it that people are always in want of someone like them? It was on both an episode of House as well as an episode of Bones. Do we as humans really have such a strong longing to be understood? As much as everyone seems to have this want to stand out and be famous, we always seem to compare what we have and are to other's haves and wants.

I guess we all just want to have someone to identify with. Someone who gets us.

And everyone hates to be alone.

Pandora confuses me sometimes. I have no idea what sort of anything is playing at this moment. And though I just woke up mere hours ago and spent the day sitting on my ass with keyboard, I feel sleepy. Perhaps this ordeal is more tiring than I originally thought.

Ah. I see bird. Glad he didn't get out, though I'm sure that wouldn't have mattered much.

I'm lying here on the floor, where you left me - I think I took too much...

What exactly did I want at the beginning of this? It just seems so strange. My stipulation was that there would be no strings attached. So why am I so comfortable with the idea of letting this turn into something? Is that what I wanted all along? Perhaps... Perhaps I should stop analyzing it, and just let it be what it is - whatever that may be. Haha. Me. Not analyze something. Right.

I wonder if I left to spite her. I don't think I did. I do so prefer this. It's a tad bit stressful, but I have good friends and better enemies. And it's not like I'm really alone. Physically anyway. I am so tired. I have no money, and I really do not know where that damn $350 came from, or why my check hasn't gone through yet. I hope when I scan my card for gas it doesn't go through at an inopportune time, getting a fee would not help me situtation.

Situations, situations... I want to watch RENT. I want my friends.

I want to stop feeling so alone.

Technology on the Run

2010-05-15T19:36:00.000-04:00

House hopping. Literally.

Trying to find a safe place to sleep every night, because I finally finally had the balls to say I had enough.

And it's funny, it's fun, it's silly, and quite frankly I'm enjoying myself. I've got this week done. Starting another one tomorrow, with half of it figured out already. I've got money in my wallet and a check being processed. I've got good friends and pillows and beds.

And I've got my very own "It's complicated."

Everything always seems to fall into place, even when it's all completely scattered. At the very least, after last week, this week can't be anything short of amazing.

Funny how I'm taking a break from typing up this guy's journal to type up my own. I really would like to sit and read through it again as well, just to see where my head's been.

God how much can change in such short periods of time. And yet certain periods seem to stretch so far. It apparently takes about an hour to type five pages of this man's journal when that is what I'm focused on. It really shouldn't be too horrendous to finish this monstrosity, however staying focused on it for long periods of time is exasperating. My, what a colorful vocabulary.

I highly doubt that mother dearest will be able to let the cat sit outside all by her lonesome for so long. It doesn't bother me so much over the summer, when it's warm, winter however has me worried. Cruel as she is, there is a heart in there somewhere, and I trust she'll make the right decision.

I have such crazy ideas in my head and I'm not quite sure exactly what spawns them. What in the world am I going to do for winter break, that is assuming I figure out how to get through summer effectively?

And this passage of time has me baffled. Fate seems to string itself so strangely, and I really wish I could decipher it's path and try and get at least a glimpse of where it's leading me.

It was only two nights. One years and years ago, and we weren't even alone. We were just hanging out on a trampoline, chatting, not even touching eachother. And that god damn football game, that had my head twisting and turning and left me feeling so confused. I suppose if you throw in my most recent visit, that makes three, but the reasoning behind that visit was to get another chance to examine those... Unprovoked feelings. Those feelings that appeared so very very suddenly and went dormant for a period of time, only to flare up again on a whim. Amazing how things like that can endure for years without you even knowing.

Which is honestly why I am not surprised. Scared, a little, maybe, opening up to people was never quite my strong point, but he does seem oh so understanding.

Resonating in my head are all these cliches, and I have to wonder, what evidence do these people have to make such well-known generalizations about life, love, and there-after?

I am so isolated. I have always been alone in my head and in my way of thinking, but I at least had people around me and I could teach myself to understand how they saw the world.

But now. I am alone in body and in mind. I feel so disconected from everything and everyone. I am in a familiar place, with familiar faces passing by every so often, familiar colors dancing in front of my eyes, and yet...

Why must it ache to feel so alone?

Haley

2010-05-12T09:41:00.000-04:00

My 100th post. I've had 100 thoughts and events worthy enough of being written down and analyzed relentlessly. I forget the name of the character I was going to dub this after. Someone from Criminal Minds. I could look it up, but dear god I am tired.

Eh. I caved and looked it up.

Moved out.
Had an amazing day with a good friend.
Car broke down.
Back at home.
Have wonderful friends and family.

My life is honestly not nearly as bad as I sometimes think it is. I really need to learn to keep everything in perspective.

I can figure this out. I know what to do in dire situations. I have people who care about me and who will help me even when they're mad at me. I really do know what I'm doing, and that amazes me.

I sat in the dark and rain on interstate 80, calling people as my phone died, letting the important ones know where I was so if something happened I wouldn't be completely fucked. And he was so sweet to worry so much about me to go as far as calling the police to come find me. Which I'm quite glad he did, especially since my phone was dying and the tow truck hadn't arrived yet.

I handle disaster with grace and poise. Slept while I could, called the right people, kept calm, kept things under control, and I didn't even feel like I was faking it.

You really never do learn just what you're made of until you have the chance to prove it. I know I've figured that out before, but I'm still constantly amazed at myself. And I really think that's a good thing.

I want to go visit again. I need to get the car fixed first and it'll probably be weeks until we see eachother but we've waited months at a time already and I'll be busy house hopping and adjusting to life on my own.

Except I'm never really on my own. I have lots of people to help me if I do so need, and I am incredibly thankful for that.

And for warm wool army sweaters.

I Couldn't Do For You

2010-05-09T19:20:00.000-04:00

Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true... Isn't it?

I am surprisingly calm. About everything. I have this week figured out. Beyond that, who really knows?

And yet, I really am continually amazed at just how strong I am. I know we never really got along. But regardless, I know that we'll always be there for each other, and I think that's what love really is.

And I think that's what real friendship really is too. Because the more and more I thought about it, the more and more I realized that if I showed up at Jekka's she'd put a roof over my head, if only for a little while. And I realized I have such amazing friends. And that I have such amazing family.

I am surrounded by people who love me and people who make sacrifices for me. People who don't take me for granted. People who comfort me and feed me and love me and help me.

People who are basically complete strangers. People who I only met months ago. People who I met years ago and only recently re-connected with. People I've always known, who have probably always been there.

Wonder why it took me so long to realize it?

I know she's done a lot for me. And no matter how often we fight I'll always love her. And I know that I can always depend on her.

But I honestly do believe this is for the best.

I get to see an old friend tomorrow. I have a place to stay every night this week. I am surrounded by good caring people and I've done right so far. I can handle this.

I know how strong I am, and I know I can do this. I really can.

Really, what choice do I have?

Not There Yet

2010-04-14T15:16:00.000-04:00

Wow, Im nearing my 100th post, still.

I was sure three weeks ago that I'd hit it in the next two days. Apparently I was wrong.

Apparently.

Human capacity for kindness and compassion still continues to amaze me, though it really shouldn't, seeing as the opposite is true as well. I stole my hoodie today ^_^ It's warm and I really don't wanna give it back.

We are okay, right?

Like... Blah. I think too much.

But I'm so sick of people saying I'm always miserable. Maybe. I dunno. Am I really that miserable? I'd like to think not. Shit happens. It bothers me. I try to live on.

Oh my dear god I love this song.

Take a chance on me ;-)

So I finally chose my cosplay character =) Now if I could only find someone willing to be Len.... It'd be so wonderfully adorable XD

Is it really okay to be different from eachother? I mean... I don't know. I really just don't know.

Staring At What Could Be Me

2010-04-04T12:59:00.000-04:00

I've come up with another story. Big surprise. Wonder if I'll actually write the whole thing this time? Considering I've only got the basic outline and a few characters in my head so far, Im guna bet on No. But I've gotten pretty darn close with some of my other stories, so there's always a chance that eventually I'll like one enough to see it through.

Mom's grilling our "Easter Dinner" already, so I guess I'll be eating my only meal of the day at about 2ish. Wonder how I'll spend the rest of my day? Prolly won't get a chance to see Sam, but I'll live. I kind of wanna go back to school to get my phone charger, however, I really don't have enough to afford the gas to travel back to school if I'm going back to Lewisburg on Monday. So I suppose I could spend a few more hours at home, not much to do at an abandoned college campus anyway.

Spent a good portion of the day drawing, all but one sucked, but the more and more I stare at it the more and more I realize who the people in the picture resemble. There goes my crazy hopelessly romantic imagination again.

Because I really do wish I was an anime character. At the very least, I could read the plot summary and know how my story ends.

I thought I was over this, worrying about my future and all, it seems so silly. Whatever happens will happen, and as long as I guide it in the direction I want it to go, I know I'll be fine.

But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice to have some things be certain.

Because I used to say I could see a few specific people being in my future, and barely any of them are still there. Too much changes over too short a time period. It's not fair.

Maybe eventually I'll learn to be normal. But for now, I'll still ponder life mysteries until it keeps me up all hours of the night so I sleep away entire days.

If I decide to create myself again, is that changing myself? Is there even a me to find?

I sometimes wish there was another me, just so I could ask her what her opinion about me is. See, anime character again. I'd have a character bio. That would make things so much easier.

This is me, whoever that is, and I have so many ideas of who I could be, but I dont know which one is real or even which is ideal.

Now Im rhyming. Ew. But life does seem to have an underlying rythm. Wonder if I can jot it down and follow through?

Another Net To Catch Me

2010-03-25T00:24:00.000-04:00

Is it a lie if on days when I feel my worst I act like I'm at my best?

I let the little things seem like they brighten up my day that much more, but I really don't think they do.

Today sucked all around. From the moment I woke up by slamming my head off my headboard, climbing down and slicing my leg, and then having to take a cold shower. To my boring stats class. To failing at opening the door in Fisher. To the nasty muffin I got. To my terrible italian presentation. To my break of reading because I couldn't think of anything else to do. To my god awful boring and mundane poetry presentation. To my meeting where I knew more than my adviser, and then eating fake macoroni and cheese for dinner because there was nothing else. Then skipping out on work, bad idea. And then that meeting that we really didn't get anything done at.

But through it all, with all these thoughts going through my head, anyone who saw me would have believed me to be the happiest, most energetic person alive, especially at 9 in the morning.

I have a quiz tomorrow. Another 50 minutes of my life wasted in that classroom. Then a drive home to swindle my mom out of more money that I know she doesn't have.

Deep down. What am I deep down?

"Which wolf will win?" ............. "Whichever one you feed."

Which one am I feeding? Have I fed? What if they tie? I can't stand ties, I need extremes. Which is so hypocritcal because I know everything works best when done in moderation.

I don't know.

Life is. What is the meaning of life? There isn't one, life just is. We are here because here is the only place we can be.

Because something is ALWAYS better than nothing.

Except I really don't believe that.

But I like where I am. I like the new friends I've made and I like the best friend I have here and the one I have at home and I like the boy I visit.

The boy I visit... Because my romantic interest just simply can't be discussed and analyzed enough. Because I analyze everything that happens and everything he does and take it all as being purposeful when I know more than half of it is not.

I have this anxious feeling in my head that screams every time I start to reflect. That he's too inexperienced. That I will make him jaded. That it's impossible for him to feel good emotions that go as deep as mine because he hasn't felt the bad ones that go equally as deep.

You can only know how good something is if you've experienced something equally bad.

Which means I will always be in a situation where I cherish things others do so often take for granted.

Things such as Love. Home. Comfort. Smiling. Hugs. Friendship. Truth. Silly String.

I know how it feels to have everything taken away from you, to have nothing, no one, to be left all alone in the dark surrounded by nothingness and to scream and have no one hear you or worse yet, have them push you down harder just to see how loud you can get.

I know how it feels to be kicked and shoved and pinched and pushed and taken advantage of and abandoned and left behind and hurt and betrayed and manipulated.

And it is those feelings that make it impossible for me not to cherish every little good moment that comes and what helps me realize that bad days like today really aren't so bad, which is why the sun shines so brightly.

It is the feeling of being taken for granted that causes you to cherish.
I know how to love. How to cherish. I know how to care about someone unconditionally, to forgive any heresy fully and completely. I know how to give people second chances and I know how to trust. I know how to love more deeply and more fully than anyone I have ever met.

I know so many things, yet I refuse to act upon them.

Because knowing what it's like to be hurt is more powerful than knowing what it is like to love. Knowing what it's like to be betrayed is more powerful than knowing what it's like to trust.

Oh, I've grown up long before my time, and I am so old and wise and I know so many things.

What I do not know, however, is what it feels like to be loved.

Quiet (For Once)

2010-03-21T11:01:00.000-04:00

I am amazed at how sound my mind is right now. I am alone in a house that I have magically become comfortable in, and my mind is quiet. No thoughts what so ever, besides the fact that a sci-five makes me think of Chris Cooper, who I cant wait to see in the Willy Wonka musical at the high school.

I got a little burned, but it's kind of turning into a tan and doesn't hurt too bad, and that's the only thing about this weekend that I can complain about.

Mildly. I'm worried about Maddy. But I can fix that, I hope.

These people... People people people oh how I cannot stand people. But at the same time, I love people and would be nothing without them.

Another contradiction, I suppose. Maybe I have some sort of personality disorder. But I doubt it. Everyone has their little quirks, I just have a few extra and a couple are a bit stronger, but nothing terribly diagnosable.

I hope.

Hope. Hope always makes me think of that scene with Yunalesca. I wonder, would I prefer to have false hope over no hope at all? I don't think I've ever been in a situation that calls for false hope. I've been in lots of fruitless situations. And most of the time I just gave up on changing them.

But recently, I've had this itch, unprovoked, and seemingly out of place, to fix things with my mom. And I know I've gotten this itch before, and it works for a little bit, but it usually subsides after trying and getting frustrated. But maybe it can work a little better this time, since I don't have to see her every day, and if I start getting frustrated I can get over it by leaving.

But now it's time to find easter eggs.

An Easy Sleepy Sort of Morning

2010-03-19T10:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it doesn't really count as morning. I guess technically it does, but not enough.

I make my trip today. And I have like six different scenarios in my head (at the moment, I'm sure there's more) and for some reason the house in my head is a combination of Beverly's and Sam's.

The bottom part of Beverly's heart has stopped beating.

She's going to die soon.

And I'll be expected to go to the wake.

And I am sad that she has to die, but she is old. And I know it will not make me cry. Because I was never that close to her. And she tried to buy me off. And I just can't. I hate people like that. I don't want to be bought. It's an impossibility. As soon as you start giving me money and buying me things, I cut myself off. I don't like it. I may in fact hate it. But I'll never refuse the stuff I get. Once it's been established that this person does not want a real relationship, why not let them buy you whatever you want?

Wow, isn't that terribly manipulative? Not really, in the sense that both parties know that the relationship is for nothing but show. Because everyone cares so deeply about what other people think of them.

I wonder who found me when I was face down in a parking lot? Guess next time around I'll have to think about what I say before I run my mouth.

It's so beautiful out. I want to enjoy the sun.

But first, I'm guna need a body bag...

The Shadows Are Long

2010-03-18T00:46:00.000-04:00

I am becoming obsessed with this song again. Which I guess classifies it as my theme song. What a sad theme =/

Still avoiding sleep. Not much to do tomorrow. Maybe I'll chill out at home for a while. Nothing better to do. And then I could convince my mom to take me out to dinner XD

I dunno. My mind is circling and oscillating between the same repetetive thoughts. And it's keeping me awake. Or maybe the bed's just not comfy enough. I haven't slept in this room much over the past year, actually spending time in my room is kind of... odd.

I want an Owl City CD. That would make my day. Maybe I'll burn one tomorrow while I'm home. Yeah. Music to listen to on my drive. My drive that I've decided to make. That still worries me.

Because I worry too much.

And at the same time, I tend not to worry at all. Oh right. I have to do some research tomorrow. That shouldn't be too hard. Easily accomplished, as always.

After all, I would love to go to Verona. I just have to list my reasons why, and translate them into Italian.

An easy five points.

My little place for my head is filling up fast. The gel pens are very shiney. I wonder, even still, how much will be different by this time next year.

Time stops for no one I suppose. And change is always occuring.

And yet... Everything still seems exactly the same.

Paranoid Schitzoid Sociopath

2010-03-16T15:35:00.000-04:00

Except you can't be a schitzophrenic and a sociopath. They cancel eachother out.

I just have to remind myself that all teenagers profile as sociopaths, and maybe I can let up a little. Except that I'm over the age of 18 and every item on that damn list applies to me.

Relax girl.

Though this is so terribly hypocritical. Because I really need the constant attention. The constant diversions. I need to constantly be on at least one person's mind or in their line of sight. Maybe that's the real reason I hate being alone. Because I'm just that much of an attention whore.

I really want to find someone who can look me in the eye, say the understand, that they've been here, that everything I think and feel and worry about is normal and I can stop stressing out over every little detail and stop making assumptions.

Except then I would lose my uniqueness, so no, I don't wish that. I just wish I could relax.

But if I relaxed, that just wouldn't be me, would it?

Fuck, who the fuck am I. I'm sick of this.

And I complained and got annoyed last night because she was so worried that she hadn't received any texts from someone she barely knows. Aren't I in the exact same shoes right now? I can't tell what he's thinking when I'm reading what he types. And yes, I'm paranoid, and I think he's mad at me. Hiding something. Pretending to enjoy my company. Because I really don't fucking trust people.

Which means they're incapable of trusting me, because I don't want them too. I know how trust works, how easy it is to break yet how much it hurts to be betrayed and I don't want to have to trust people because that means they can hurt me. And becaues of that it means I can't let them trust or depend on me because I will let them down. And I can't do that.

I have an amazing ability to close myself off from anyone and still be content to be alive. I can hurt anyone and all of my relationships are shallow so when I walk away or someone leaves me, it doesn't hurt. And what comes to mind is an entry I wrote maybe a year ago, when I walked out of tech and just walked home.

It was so easy to leave. Because I wasn't really friends with any of them. And I didn't really care. They were annoying me. So I just left.

But in reality... I could walk away from anyone or anything. Am I really that incapable of feeling?

A terrible confession, when he cried, after he left and he was all broken up, I felt fine. I didn't feel any remorse. I wanted to watch Criminal Minds. And as much as I keep saying I want to change, I'm not entirely sure if that's true.

I still keep lying. About stupid things that don't matter. Making stuff up. Yeah. It's a compulsion. I don't have to, but I do anyway. Because it keeps people out and it keeps me safe and god dammit do I feel entitled to everything and nothing that happens is ever my fault even when it is.

I really am a sociopath. Or at the very least, I have sociopathic tendencies. Maybe when I grow up and get some responsibilities, have to care for people other than myself, maybe that will make me realize that it's not okay to treat people like toys. But it is oh so very amusing to watch them, like my own little marrionette, prettily turning on their strings, obeying my every whim.

It makes me feel powerful. In control. And god knows what a control freak I am.

Maybe that's why I am being so paranoid about this. I don't feel like I have control of the situation because I'm currently not the center of attention. So I self-sabatoge, or kind of, I send things out that require them to talk to me. I require people to give me the attention I want, because I feel I deserve it.

Or do I really. I'm really... Lost. And I want to ask for help, mostly because I want someone to pity me.

Or maybe not. Maybe this is really my attempt at reaching out, but I'm still so unsure, so I keep retreating.

I should know better than to touch the fire twice, but what is a fire, and why does it burn?

Engelsias

2010-03-15T00:08:00.001-04:00

Maybe you were right - maybe I was lonely... Not putting up a fight - I'm sick of being sorry.

I feel so exposed.

What's In A Mind At 3am?

2010-03-14T15:45:00.000-04:00

Lots of things that keep you up until 8am, and then you finally fall asleep and sleep till 2pm.

I need to pack. But I'm procrastinating for once. And besides, I don't really have much to pack anyway. That was one of the pros right? Of staying so close to home? I like being able to come back, right?

I'm so... I don't know.

I had a poetic way to say it when I was suffering from insomnia induced by rampant thinking last night while staring at the ceiling, but I really don't remember it.

She never slows down / She doesn't know why / But when she's all alone / Feels like it's all crashing down...

That poetic line I came up with was something about a crumbling beneath my feet and reaching my hand up to the sky and grasping nothing but air. But it sounded so much better before I finally fell asleep last night.

I have had two boys tell me that they love me. They said it first. And they both said it the same way, in approximately the same amount of time. At the end of the first month, I heard them say "I think I love you." And the first time, I was confused, because I wasn't even sure if I liked the person or not. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and after a few days, I said I love you too. And I was okay with it. And I think, at the time, it was true? My 14 year old feelings reflected Taylor Swift. When somebody tells you they love you, you're guna believe them. But then I got bored. I wanted to date someone else. And I know for a fact that he actually loved me, he punched a hole in his wall when I finally told him I was done. And I felt nothing. No regret, no loneliness, no nothing. So did I really love him? I really don't think so. I'd like to believe that love doesn't... No. Love simply can't dissipate that quickly.

And so the second time. There are plenty of examples throughout this blog of me saying that I would love him forever and always, but... once again, when I decided it wasn't right, every single feeling instantly dissipated. That one, however, I know the cause. I loved the idea of him, I loved the person I created in my head. And finally I realized that my ideal was not the actual person, and that realization made all those feelings disapear. I started pulling away months and months before we finally broke up, when he made me cry on senior trip.

And the main point behind both of these reflections... I lied to both of them. All the time. About everything. About stupid things that didn't even matter. Because even though I said I loved them, apparently I didn't love them enough to risk letting them in.

So no, I don't really know what love is. And no, at this point in time, I do not believe I have ever been in love.

But I did something completely different this time. I told the truth. Why? I can't really say. It felt right. Except... I am so scared. Terrified.

Because being honest with him means that I'll also have to be honest with myself. It means that I'll actually have to open up and stop directing conversations and maybe even eventually talk about things that I have tried to surpress for years. It means I will cry. And most importantly...

Being honest with him means I'll have to be honest with myself. Which means I'll have to be honest about what I'm feeling. Which means I'll have to share my feelings. Which means I'll have to step out of my comfort zone. Take a risk. Let my feelings actually grow, and be sure of them for once. It means relinquishing the ability to walk away unscathed.

Being honest with him means that I am giving him the ability to really, seriously hurt me.

And I am so very, very, afraid of getting hurt. I have never been able to deal with it well. Even when it's an accident. I keep my lies close so that I keep people at arms length because I know the mean things that human beings do to eachother sometimes without even meaning to.

Being honest means losing that distance.

Being honest means getting hurt.

And I'm scared.

Another Breath of Fresh Air (and Dust)

2010-03-13T19:53:00.000-05:00

Have to organize. Have to change things and make sure it's all where it goes.

Have to watch this movie. I promised.

Have to have a place to sleep tonight. So I have to clean up that mess before then. Oie.

My body's so tired. My mind is awake and alert.

I want to finish my collection...

I'm Not Jewish

2010-03-12T17:37:00.000-05:00

But still. Seriously. OIE TO THE FUCKING VEY.

Friends is on. Soup is good. I go back to class on Monday. Grades are high. Life is high. Things are good.

And I meant what I said.

I want to play Fatal Frame. And I'm bringing DDR back to school with me. Yay. Win.

Swiss Fever once again.

Rehab

2010-03-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

I hate seeing people cry. Because it makes me unable to cry. Which is so selfish. But it's true. Am I that unfeeling? No. Because that hurt. And I am terrified. And I have no idea what's going to happen but I'm willing to take a risk and let go of my control.

Because I have felt like so much more myself. And it's so easy to smile. And it's so easy to let this grow into something wonderful, something real, with everything out in the open and laid out on the table and maybe, just maybe I really can just be myself and be happy with it.

Because ...

And my train of thought has been... Completely thrown off its tracks. By one simple message.

Can I be trusted? With other people's secrets, yes. With my own, yes. I can keep a secret like no other. But I don't want to. This is not what I want. I don't want to be... Like this. I want to be open and trustworthy and beautiful. And yet I continue to do these ugly things, and apparently I have no remorse because they continue.

I fell into such a bad habit. And I don't know how to reverse that. And I took something from someone who didn't deserve anything less than a world of happiness. And now I am wallowing in my own self-loathing, but that's something I am used to.

I am so worried about him. And I feel as though I have to do something. Anything. But there's nothing I can do. I can't take my words back, I don't have a time machine, I can't magically make things right.

I gave up being perfect in the hopes that being me is enough. I hope it's enough.

Please, please, please oh please let it be enough...

What I'd Like To Make Myself Believe

2010-03-12T09:12:00.000-05:00

Do I really have the guts.

Does this count as self-sabotage?

If I keep my mouth shut, I risk nothing. But why did I even do it in the first place? Or I could be completely honest and hope for the best.

Which one means I really care? Except... Everything is never as it seems...

My conscious effort only began when I actually started caring. And that makes it that much worse. Maybe I'll be brave. Maybe I'll continue hiding behind my veil of perfection.

Butterflies. My mind reflects, and my tummy gets butterflies. And is it really that big a deal? It is a part of who I am. I'm the reason why you can't get to sleep, I'm the girl you never get just quite what you see...

That's because you only see what I want you to see. Nothing more, nothing less. I know what to show and I know what to hide and I know that no matter what I decide, everything will be alright, because I've never let myself trust anyone, and in order to start, I have to tell the truth.

About everything. However, telling the truth now makes so much more seem like a lie. Except... I didn't lie about everything. Actually, the majority has in fact been truth. The hooks, however, to get that first bite... First impressions are so very very important. I was brave this morning. And the more and more I mull over it, the less and less brave I become. So now what?

I stop for a few seconds. Take a few breaths. Close my eyes. And hope for the best.

An Original Copy of This Brilliant Masterpiece

2010-03-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

Why why why why why why why.

Yes. That is all I can think.

Why this, why that, and why everything and anything in between.

It's so disgusting. I would love it if everyone just wrote what they were thinking in a clear, concise way so I could just know instead of having to guess and check especially because people so very rarely admit to things that they think could hurt other people's feelings.

All these damn answerable questions. Did I really have to clean everything? Am I that strange? Did it bother me that much, or did I just convince myself that it did? Am I really this eccentric, or do I want people to think I'm eccentric so I continuously do things to make it seem like I'm out on the fringe?

Blah. My thoughts are thinking thoughts again and they won't calm down no matter how I try to silence them. So I figure I'd better get them out of my system before I go completely bat shit crazy and ramble every little thing that accumulates and just BLAH.

I don't understand why. Maybe I just didn't get enough sun. I don't want to leave. This place is so... comfortable. Relaxing. Easy to deal with. I don't want to jump back in.

But that's who I am. Right? Or maybe that's just who I want people to see. But isn't who people see who I am as well?

God dammit movie ticket prices have sky-rocketed. Inflation, perhaps?

And I am not nearly as smart or as pretty as her.

Classifieds

2010-03-05T13:35:00.000-05:00

Oh, oh, oh, I'm not the type to forget about nights like this when every single move that I make is documented and scored for style points...

If I die in my sleep, will you still be everything you promised to be?

Here I am again, building cardboard castles in the sky...

Haha. Made me chuckle, having my hand squeezed during a certain line. Because all the best people are ;-) And so I'm getting lost in my lyrics, falling into my own head, letting everything bubble up and over and then settle back down. Like boiling water and sweet soft breath.

And as Three Days Grace plays, I can only keep thinking of what I agree and disagree with. I don't want to go home. But at the same time, I want some place to go where I don't feel like I'm burdening anyone. Which means that I don't really have a home, now do I? Home is where the heart is.

Where is your heart, kuz I dont really feel you. Yea where is your heart, what I really want is to believe you...

This house is not a home. But neither is this room, or her house, or that house, or that other room. There's no place for me to turn to where I can breath in and out and just let everything drop to the ground. I'm here juggling everything and praying to a god I don't believe in that nothing trips me up.

And in my head there's a silver screen where everything's playing out, and I feel like I'm stepping out of myself sometimes and watching someone else's life, because mine's too perfect to be true. Or is it too messed up? Always the contradiction, never the right answer.

Ten minutes until my last class before spring break. But I still don't wanna leave...

Take a Breath and Softly Say Goodnight

2010-03-04T10:56:00.000-05:00

So why are you so eager to pretend? Pick the pieces up, pick the pieces up...

I am staring at my beautiful picture of Johnny Depp and realizing that zero of my favorite actors have blue or green eyes. In fact, they all have dark eyes. So I could never date any of them. Too bad for them.

Shifting things around again. Gaining new perspectives. Which always means more unanswerable questions.

There is still a certain... stench when she's in the room. And yes sometimes it drives me out, but for once I am exhausted from fighting. And I still want to write out or draw out or something my character. Wonder what I'd look like in my own crazy changing form of art? Maybe I'll experiment. But I'll probably just get frustrated and stop again. And again and again and again.

Flyleaf. Devil music. Everything just being everywhere and nothing being nowhere and it's all happening all at once and I think I need to learn to take a breath and two steps back so I can shift things back into my line of sight but I'm too busy sprinting forward so there's no way that will ever happen.

But what exactly am I running from?

I know the answer to that one at least. Which means I'm running from something I don't even know. So isn't that normal human behavior, running from the unknown? Maybe I'm the normal one. And music videos play through my head with the beat of every song I hear.

You are the reason that I breathe, you are the reason that I still believe...

Do people really feel so strongly about another specific person that it makes their life meaningless if that person would be to disapear? Would I want that? I think I'd be too afraid of losing. But at the same time, I would love to feel something that strong.

It's nice having something stable to lean on, in case you hesitate before kicking off. The ground crumbling beneath your toes makes for a much shorter, scarier jump than if you push off from something solid.

And I'm here. Doing what? Something maybe nothing and everything inbetween. I'm not entirely sure.

To All The Squirrels I've Loved Before

2010-03-03T23:57:00.000-05:00

Another night like all the ones before. Except. I dont know.

Maybe I'm paranoid. But I get so scared when we disagree. Even though I love debating, I don't want to have these extreme differences. They terrify me. But that's not like me. I usually don't compare what I've got to what I've had.

Except. I dunno. Maybe I do. I'm so sick of saying maybe this and maybe that to every single fucking thing I do. I was on such a high for so long but it so easily get's brushed away into nothingness.

Fuck it. Let's get drunk.

Helpful Haunting Hurtful Hatred

2010-03-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

Final class. And then I never have to go through class for an entire day ever again. But in retrospect, it really wasn't that terrible, was it? At the very least it gave me something to do. Another night class next semester. But hopefully it wont strech all three hours. Except I need to buy a book for it. And now I'm rambling again.

I'm a little unbalanced. Aren't I? Spending so much time away from here, though I guess not really, since I did also spend alot of time here. Maybe. I'm not really too sure. I just don't really want to have anything to regret I suppose. But why would I regret spending time with someone who I do so enjoy to be around?

And who really seems to genuinely care for me.

Who knows. Feelings are so... fickle. They change so swiftly and so often, and come in varying degrees. There's no certainty, no guarentee, no anything. Just taking it day by day and hoping for the best. Which is what I like, right? Or would I really rather know the future? Maybe. I'm not really too sure. But there's something itching my mind, in the back of my head, and I think I know what it is but at the same time it continuously escapes my grasp. It's keeping me from paying attention, keeping my glittery pens moving along my lined papers, keeping that rhythmic clacking noise alive in my mind while I shuffle through ideas, trying to find what I've managed to bury so far down.

Or maybe it's nothing at all.

Am I really okay? I haven't bothered to ask myself that in quite some time. Maybe I figured I'd keep myself safer if I just ignored the question because then I would never have to let it cross my mind.

But now I'm wondering. And maybe it's because of new company. Am I okay? Am I lonely? Am I happy? Am I anything?

But at least I have one certainty. No matter how different I am or how many times I change, willingly or otherwise, all these feelings, all these thoughts and ambitions and confusions - they all mean one very simple thing.

I am human.

A Visit Home

2010-02-27T20:53:00.000-05:00

Watching Scrubs. Guna play FFX. Good deal, good deal.

"Where did you find this kid?"
"Somebody dropped him off in a basket on the stairs of the FBI."

And I dunno. I feel like Im circling the drain. This is the episode before Dr. Cox completely loses his mind. And ends up killing three people. All because one person he likes died. I dunno.

I feel like I wanna talk about something but all I can think of is shallow topics and I feel like... I dunno.

This song makes me tear up a little. This show uses really good music.

And as soon as I walk through the door, she annoys the hell out of me and all I can think is that I really wanna leave so bad and there's no way in hell that I ever wanna grow up to be like her.

And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.

How Do You Quote a State of Mind?

2010-02-22T10:58:00.001-05:00

Am I happy?

Is that even a valid question? Do I have a reference point in which to compare? Is it really an emotion all by itself, or is it just another state of mind?

"Love is just a state of mind."

So then, if you think you're in love, you are, and if you don't think you are, you're not. That makes sense. At that moment, I thought I loved someone.

Then I decided that wasn't true, and I didn't feel that way anymore.

So does happiness work the same way? Oh I just can't wait to be king...

If I think I'm happy, that makes me happy, right? And if I decide that before I wasn't happy, does that then mean I wasn't happy, even if I was? Human memory is so... faulty. We are so inconsistent. Constantly in a flux. Nothing's ever is as simple as it seems, but nothing's ever overly complicated either. There always has to be an answer, even if the answer is just another question. Right? Maybe? No. There are some questions that don't have answers, I guess. Maybe. But some people aren't bothered by that. Or if they are, they don't let on about it too much.

Does it really bother me? Yes. I hate not knowing things. Especially when I don't know how I feel. Or how I felt. Was it really all that bad? Did I really have a reasonable exuse for being so angsty and keeping people away? But isn't that determination based upon perception?

What was it... I've said it before. Something like... A child feels the same amount of pain from not being able to buy a toy as does a child who is abused, because with nothing else to compare it to, and the inability to empathize, in both instances, it is the worst moment of your life (at that moment, anyway).

It's our mirror nuerons that make us able to judge what is or is not deserving of feelings of sadness, happiness, anger. So then who was the first person to decide what made them feel what? Do we really have the right to judge who's life was harder?

No, I don't think we do.

Too much of all this is based solely on perspective. There needs to be some ground point that let's this get put together, makes it all comparable.

But there isn't. It's just up to us individually to decide. Decide what exactly? I'm not exactly sure what I'm reaching for here, but it always manages to be tantilizing and just out of my reach.

That god damn irridescent butterfly of transcendence. It just keeps taunting me, I feel like a horse running after a carrot. So then why don't I just stop reaching for it and give up?

Simple. I want to know what it's hiding from me. Especially if it has some answers to my questions. So I keep on keeping on, never settle for less, and push myself forward. I guess.

My past is the one thing that will keep me unique. So then why does it change with each person I meet? Parts of it anyway. Am I ashamed of them? Embarassed? Uncomfortable? I'm still not quite sure. So let's find out what makes me tick.

Let's find out what makes me uncomfortable, happy, sad, angry, all of the above. Let's see what makes me me. It's something I've been trying for ages, but maybe this time it'll actually work. Or it won't, and I'll still keep pushing forward on a fruitless quest. Left alone in my head, too many thoughts, too many possibilities.

Too long to wait, and not enough time in the day. Am I my own contradiction? Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? Or aren't we all like that - so inconsistent, yet we really believe we are always so stable, no matter how many studies prove we aren't.

We're so biased to ourselves, our judgements, our ideals, and our perceptions. And no matter how much I try to analyze it, my thought pattern brings me back full circle, and I'm right back where I started.

Maybe that's it. There is no start, no finish, no inbetween. We just circle for forever.

Eternity is a terrible thing to waste.

Turning Left

2010-02-19T09:48:00.000-05:00

If I really start being myself again, does that mean I have to revert to all my old habits?

I dont want to be a liar. So why am I so afraid of the truth?

Is it really a part of who I am, or can I really escape it for good?

Am I even really trying to?

Still, I feel so much more myself right now. Being happy and random and funny saying what I think. It's nice. Because I don't want to conform myself to fit anyone's ideals, no matter how much I want them to like me. Omissions are lies. Yet, still...

Alright. At the very least, it's been a lot better. And I am trying.

I told you I have flaws. And this is my biggest one.

Analysis

2010-02-17T13:25:00.000-05:00

I decided to backtrack and actually analyze my own poem, because I wonder if I can actually remember the reasoning behind each line now that it's been a few days. So, here goes.

1. why hide

               apicture

                        inapicture

                                   inapicture?
Simple. RA training. She warned us for the one activity that it was actually a picture within a picture within a picture. The phrasing is because it reminded me of that time paradox motivational poster I saw at one point in time. Also reflects the fact that everything is connected.

2. What purpose does it serve to keep zooming in?
Also simple. Also RA training. The picture was actually a huge picture of a car accident that zoomed into a bus that zoomed into a toy magazine that zoomed into a toy farm that zoomed into a house that zoomed into a rooster. Symbolizes the flow of time, and the fact that everything is connected.

3. These repetetive motions
                     Censor our thoughts
Relates partly to a song, and partly to sex. "Repetetive motions" was a link to the rhythm of intercourse. It also reflected "going through the motions," ie, just doing things but not feeling. Also links to the fact that basically the only thing I did in my past relationship was let him have sex with me. Thus the censoring our thoughts part, which obviously reflects my inability to be myself, which eventually turned into me thinking in dissonance because I was so afraid of upseting him, and even more so of being left all by myself.

4. Our beliefs?
How is it that they change?
Links to censoring thoughts, because if thoughts are censored, so are beliefs. A question because I'm wondering what happened to my beliefs during that time frame. What seems so important at one point in time can be incredibly trivial in another. Our beliefs are a big part of who we are, and having them change means we, too, change. Also reflects the ebb and flow of time, and hints at how connected we really are.

5. Beautiful answers
                  cause beautiful questions
A quotation from e. e. cummings, and also the hook of my essay I was writing that day. A beautiful thought, and one that I definately agree with. I love e. e. cummings ^_^

6. as a leaf f

                    a
                       l
                         l
                           s -
Another reference to a famous e. e. cummings poem. The poem, for me, always reflected the beauty of the world, and how sometimes very small, seemingly trivial events (such as a leaf falling) can cause breaking points and climaxes. Reflects my own thoughts on how I fought for so long to hold on to something I didn't really want, and one rash decision completely changed my outlook and made me decide the complete opposite thing.

7. Puppets dancing on their strings
A reference both to feeling controlled and to having forgotten all the values I learned while at Middle Earth. Puppets obviously reflects my thoughts on Zane, because he taught me how to use them and let me name a few of his. It was our special connection. Though at Middle Earth, I felt free - our puppets had no strings. The past year or so, I've felt controlled, and though I could still dance and smile, I still constantly felt restricted.

8. Apparent highlights
                Tangled up in a world of insecurities
A direct reference to Maddy's hairbrush, seeing as her hair has very natrual highlights that are visible when they fall out of her head and tangle into her brush. In a more abstract way, the fact that she seems to be so tangled up in herself right now, even the things that should seem to be obvious "highlights" of life are still clouded by her insecurities. Also reflects my own battle with personal insecurities.

9. Warning!

           this may be more than you can handle.
This is when in starts focusing on the present, which is happening so rapidly (but I'm enjoying it ^_^). It's only fair to warn him. I am impulsive and crazy sometimes and I do things that get me into trouble for the sake of others and I make people worry because I don't give myself enough focus. I know I am hard to handle, especially for someone who hasn't had nearly the same experiences. But at the same time, part of me has always loved taking chances, so as long as it's mutual, I'm all for it. Still, warnings are only fair.

10. If I told you my imagination
                  would let you lose the one for which you care
Would you still strive for immortality?
This one's a bit abstract. The day he originally told me he wanted to live forever, my mind, of course, strayed to creating reasons why he would ever change his mind. I had this big complex storyline about falling madly in love and living a happy life for years following our dreams and having a family until some incredibly dramatic un-foreseen turn of events I ended up with a life-threatening disease (or I was shot while on the field, I didnt really decide that detail) and while I was dying in a hospital bed, I whispered "Would you really want to live forever if you had to do it without me?" Morbid and random I know but that's just how my mind works. Thus, my imagination created people he cared deeply for and an almost perfect world. The question still remains the same - if you lose the person you base your life around, would you still strive to live forever?

11. Infinity is a definition; an english word
                    - not really your strong point -
Word choice is partially because of the card I recieved on Sunday. But infinity is in fact an english word, and he is definately more math minded - how could he ever understand the concept of infinity? Though at the same time, the phrase is meant to be contradictory because infinity is used in math, even though it is a defined word and not an actual number.

12. But that symbol of forever?
              Forever is composed of nows
That class I hold so dear
First line references the side-ways 8 symbol of infinity (you know, the one they use in math!). The second is the definition of infinity given by Emily Dickenson, which I find to be beautiful and competely agree with. Emily Dickenson is who we were discussing in my most recent poetry class, which is a class I hold very dear to me because I enjoy the topic so much, which is also something we have discussed. Once again, the major theme of the poem is reflected - everything is connected, and everything changes over time.

13. Burning new old ideas
                  Letting reality resurface
References the fact that Tyler is burning me CDs that have songs I used to listen to all the time on them. I stopped listening to them because it annoyed him when I would, which is why I am now "letting reality resurface," so to speak. The new old ideas is the fact that some of it is new music to me, and Tyler is also a relatively new friend, but the old ideas are ones that I have had for the vast majority of my life. I am becoming myself again.

14. "You must be so brave, beautiful."
I have been called brave. Strong. Beautiful. Lovely. Sympathetic, empathetic, intelligent. Everything. Yet I still never feel this way. I am just a human being. If this is how people see me, then so be it, but I know deep down how I really feel. That is why it's in quotes, because it reflects what people have told me about myself, not what I actually believe about myself.

15. So I'll catch me some Swiss Fever -
                 Regardless of fear, the future lasts forever.
Swiss Fever is the term used in Switzerland to explain why they are such a happy bunch. I have a shirt that reads "Swiss Fever - Life is so good." And yeah, at the moment, life is definately so damn good. But I know that can change in an instant. Regardless of that, "the future doesn't scare me at all." Kingdom Hearts, a game I had to pretend I held no interest in for far too long, has continuously been quoted indirectly throughout this poem. The final lines set the foreground that I am determined to be happy, to let myself be happy, and to still be who I am and let others be happy too. And though I know I'm taking a big chance here, whatever happens, happens, and I'm not afraid.

After all that, man, wow, I think it may be better to just speculate the reasoning and meaning behind certain poems. Far too much thought can be communicated through a few choice words.

Valiant (An Analysis)

2010-02-15T16:04:00.000-05:00

This is what I do in math class: write poems while thinking about writing the essay that analyzed a poem.
This is what I came up with:

Valiant
     why hide
             apicture
                    inapicture
                            inapicture?
What purpose does it serve to keep zooming in?
             These repetetive motions
                                Censor our thoughts
                                             Our beliefs?
    How is it that they change?
                   Beautiful answers
                                 cause beautiful questions
          as a leaf f
                          a
                             l
                                l
                                  s -
Puppets dancing on their strings
                                 Apparent highlights
    Tangled up in a world of insecurities
                          Warning!
                                 this may be more than you can handle.
If I told you my imagination
               would let you lose the one for which you care
     Would you still strive for immortality?
Infinity is a definition; an english word
           - not really your strong point -
But that symbol of forever?
                  Forever is composed of nows
         That class I hold so dear
                     Burning new old ideas
                                   Letting reality resurface
           "You must be so brave, beautiful."
So I'll catch me some Swiss Fever -
     Regardless of fear, the future lasts forever.

And the story behind it? Simple actual events. But it does weave a magical tale, doesn't it?

Aurora Borealis

2010-02-13T15:35:00.000-05:00

I wish I could visit Alaska. Maybe I can go see Leo and play with Gary Paulsen's dogs. But it's so cold there. And I'd only want to go when I could see the pretty lights. Alright, not really, but they'd be a big plus.

Maybe I should write down my list of things I want to do. Except then I don't think I'd enjoy them as much, because I'd just be checking them off one by one. It would seem more like a burden than something to do for fun. And now I'm just trying to kill time.

I am a little anxious. A little excited. A little expecting.

But I'm starting to realize that's all normal. And yeah, making fun of Tyler is still a favorite pass time. And maybe I am too paranoid. Maybe I just need to relax. I know that everyone talks about everyone, even when they really care about them.

It's just human nature. And human nature is something I believe in. So maybe I need to learn to let things go and not be hurt by so much.

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad -
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had...

Not anymore, they're not.

Confessions

2010-02-12T10:49:00.002-05:00

This is just
To let you know
I ate the plumbs
In the refridgerator.
I know
You were saving them
For dinner
But they were so sweet
And so cold.

The above serves as the biggest metaphor in the world. At least in my mind it does.

Still, Alot On My Mind

2010-02-10T23:08:00.000-05:00

And yet, I'm not really sure exactly what to say.

I'm incredibly excited for tomorrow. And my stats class has been canceled once again. Win. And he's going to earlier lectures. Haha. That makes me chuckle a little. A lot of a little. A little of a lot?

So Im really wondering if I heard what I thought I heard. And if she's really mad at me. And if people are ganging up on me. But now I think I'm just being paranoid. Probably.

But I'm really liking spending time with the people I've recently met. One in particular, but the others are pretty cool too. Haha.

Ashame I don't have anyone to help me wipe my car off tomorrow.

Snow Day ^_^

2010-02-10T10:09:00.000-05:00

And even in college, I'm still lucking out and getting snow days. Ah yeah.

I wonder if I'll ever grow out of being such a picky eater. I highly doubt it, but hey, anything can happen, right?

I really wanna watch House. So I'll probably go visit Tyler.

And I feel so light-hearted. Giggley. Happy. It's really kind of funny.

Because once again, everything just kind of clicked back into place, everything worked out. Again.

Maybe I'm blessed. Maybe I did too many good deeds and I get to reap the benefits now. Maybe I'm just good at dealing with life events and experiences. Whatever the reason, I'm not guna argue with it.

Kuz I'm feelin pretty good, and I like it. Apparently I'm listening to Skye Sweetnam again. I dunno. I still cant decide on a music genre. It's really throwing off my collection of favorites. Blick.

I guess I should be at least semi-productive and get some homework done now that I have this extra time. Yeah, that sounds like an intelligent plan ^_^

Don't Let Me Stop You

2010-02-09T08:38:00.000-05:00

And suddenly, I don't really want that crystal ball anymore.

Because suddenly, it all just passed. I cried a bit a few days ago, but that's all it takes for me. A couple of tears and I can move on.

And yeah, I've really moved on.

Mi baciò buonanotte =)

Air Bending

2010-02-08T08:32:00.001-05:00

And it's amazing how quickly my strong reactions have faded.

How what I was so sure of only two days ago now has me confused.

And I'm not quite sure which path to take.

I really could use that crystal ball right about now...

Another Time Around

2010-02-06T12:18:00.000-05:00

And I think I'm handling it better this second time through. My only question is, will this be the last (either way) or will I have to pull myself through it again somewhere down the line?

Because I can see it. They can see it. I think the only one who cant see it is him.

And even still, I've gotten partially used to this. I still keep crying, but it's not hopeless tears like it was last time. And I don't know if that's because I refuse to believe it, or because I know better and I've learned that things take time.

And it seems so odd. He still holds me, still stares into my eyes, still does all the things he always has - and for what purpose then? Maybe I'm crazy for giving him so many chances. Maybe I'm crazy for putting myself through this. For putting up with it.

Yet, when I'm here, and he talks to me, it feels... right? good? I'm not sure exactly how to phrase it, but I feel safe. And even now, I still feel loved.

And yes, I'll admit, I had my own way of dealing with it and it worked for me and I ended up right exactly where I wanted to be.

I know I can handle this, if I choose to. And as of right now, I'm choosing to. If things go well, that's great, I'll be happy - and if they don't, it'll suck for a while, but I know in time I'll be able to handle that too.

I'm hoping things go well though. Because I know where he's coming from. I know I've felt the same way, possibly even stronger than he is right now. But I kept it to myself - I didn't want to hurt him.

And it does hurt. But at the same time, it's okay. I know that people doubt how they feel. They get confused, they get angry. And I know that nothing he's feeling is any different from how I've felt a few times before.

I love him.

And last time this happened, he took those words away from me, so I was afraid to say them. I'm not afraid to say them this time, because it's the truth. And I believe he loves me too, whole-heartedly. He just needs a few reminders why.

"Everyone around you is rooting for you. Don't give up!"

What's the Worst Thing I Could Say?

2010-02-04T21:15:00.000-05:00

When I see your smile,
Tears run down my face...
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold
And it breaks my soul
And you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole world,
Please dont throw that away
And I'm here for you
Please dont walk away -
Please tell me you'll stay.

So I've found my way back here again. It seems my revalation came about a week late. And yet, I still don't understand. Maybe it's the combination. And am I really all together, is that really what I believe? Or am I just trying to comfort myself? I guess I'll never know.

And I'm still amazed at how well I can manage this. It hurts so much. My breathing takes every bit of strength I have. But I can still keep it. Until I walk out among them. Until I try to talk.

I'm holding on tonight,
What's the worst thing I could say?
Things are better if I stay?

And so every little bit of me isn't torn again. Because I honestly don't believe it. Because what he does always always always contradicts what he says. And the way he looks at me. I can handle it. I know. I hope.

So long, and good night.

One More Weekend

2010-01-31T22:10:00.000-05:00

And it's so weird, how these feelings seem to interchange betwixt themselves.

We have nothing in common.         We think in the same fashion.
He frustrates me.                           He's incredibly understanding.
I irritate him.                                  I make him so happy.
What he says bothers me.              What he does makes me smile.
I can live without him.                     I dont want to have to.

And yet, all of these things put together, I realize that it's normal. Doubts, differences, everything inbetween. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, even when it's just friendship. There are so many variables to these equations. There are infinities, imaginary numbers. The graphs overlap at tangents. Not everything has to be logical, yet nothing is based solely on emotion.

So I take things as they come, I suppose. I stop being so pushy. I calm down. The only downside is that he has to do the same. It seems that when one of us becomes irrate, the other follows suit. The same goes for when we are happy. Perhaps the things I've been feeling lately have affected his persona. I wouldn't doubt it, it's happened before. Getting pissed off at him for no reason usually makes him pissy. Yet...

I keep trying my best. And I keep saying that he doesn't. But he does. It just takes time, right? As with anything, time makes a difference. He did come to visit me. Which was adorable. And he does try to come up with ways to spend our time. And we are happy. We laugh. We cuddle. We make eachother smile.

It's improbable to think that just because you love someone means everything will go easily, that they'll do what you expect them to without you ever telling them. We're all human. We cant read minds, though oh how very helpful that would be. We make mistakes. We accept other's flaws. Or at least, we should.

And as for me. Well. Every so often, I feel so insecure. I know other people feel exactly the same, and I try to comfort myself. But it doesn't always work, you know? There are things I'd like to change, but I'm too lazy to consistently do anything. Apparently I need more motivation than just feeling bad about myself. But in retrospect, I think I'm actually okay. Maybe disposition really is the magic fix. So, if I make myself take things more positively, I'll have a more positive outlook. It worked before, right?

And it made those two weeks incredibly light-hearted and happy-go-lucky. So smile. That's what I want, isn't it? To always be smiling. To at least always have something to smile about. Because I dont ever want to be in a situation where I have nothing left to lose. I'd rather have everything to lose, but something worth the risk. At least then, if it goes downhill, I won't have any regrets.

Still So Young (And Desperate for Attention)

2010-01-27T00:00:00.001-05:00

I feel like Im falling apart.

And I just want a helping hand.

Yet I reach out and touch air.

Pointing Fingers, Spreading Lies

2010-01-14T14:26:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when people are in an emotional frenzy, they start picking apart everything everyone says?

They start blaming them for things, start accusing them of things, their paranoia seems to completely overcome them.

And I guess in reality, I'm exactly the same.

Another Catch

2010-01-13T01:50:00.001-05:00

Do you ever wonder if maybe the life you want to live just isn't for you?

How do some people keep following their dreams no matter who puts them down? We only ever hear about successes - how many failures have there been?

Maybe, if I had been born in a different era, I wouldn't feel so helpless. Like everything around me is changing and growing and leaving and I'm just suffocating in the middle. But that's not really true, now is it?

I can feel myself moving. I'm not really sure if it's forward or backwards, but I'm definately headed in some alternate direction. Is this all just a part of growing up? Changing from the home I've grown up in to the home I hope to have for myself. It's just a journey, isn't it? But if it's a journey, what could the end destination possibly be?

Maybe I just worry too much. Maybe I worry just enough. I wonder if I really held on to any individuality.

And perhaps I'm just maturing, but that strive for uniqueness seems to be dying down. I'm starting to realize that I need to rely on people. That I need to be truthful, that I need to keep it together. Because in the end, we all die alone, but for the journey to be a success, you need some support. Being approachable. Being fun.

I hope to be always smiling.

Now I know being eternally happy is an impossibility - but I firmly believe it's those low times that make the highs that much better.

I'm so frustrated with the fact that I can't seem to pinpoint what kind of music I'd like to listen to. I'm not really sure I even know what genre I like anymore.

And sometimes I wonder. Have I changed myself without realizing it? I keep trying things, trying to keep it together. And still, I always feel like I'm the only one who cares.

But that can't really be true, can it?

Can it?

And it's so calming to hear the rhythm of the keys clacking underneath my fingertips. I haven't written a poem in a long while. I wonder if my books are in the mail - if they'll make it on time.

Are we growing apart? Growing together? Right back where we were? Fuck, where are we in the first place?

And does it even really matter.

Maybe I really do just need to lighten up for once.

Im Calling for a Close Up

2010-01-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

People are so unreliable. Their memories especially. So who's to say if it's right or wrong to bend them to get ahead a little?

On my drive home today, I realized just how unbalanced this world is. But it's that unbalance that keeps the world balanced, I think.

Yeah. Because that makes so much sense.

Everyone has secrets. Everyone has problems. I wonder what my secret is? Do I even have one?

Wait, what am I talking about? Of course I have a secret. A recent one, an old one, with plenty I've forgotten and plenty more to come. But just like everything else, the ebb and flow of life pushes and pulls them away.

Eventually, what you thought was important becomes insignifigant. And trivial matters take the highlight of your life. It's all about that balance.

And then you realize just how much someone has done for you. And that you feel no compelling need to repay them. That you feel like you never asked for it, even when you did, and that for some reason you deserve it. But deep down, you know you really don't deserve a thing.

Because you steal, you cheat, you lie, yet every time something good could happen, it happens to you.

Doesn't that mean you have to be doing something right?

Why would life just give you whatever it saw fit, the good things showering down without you even asking, if you didn't do something to deserve it?

What did I do to deserve anything?

How am I ever going to learn to work for anything when everything I've ever wanted has been handed to me, along with everything I've ever needed?

Maybe I won't have to. I never asked to be blessed. I never asked to get away with everything. I never asked for things to somehow always manage to go my way. They just have.

Will I be screwed over if that ever stops?

Step One, Step Two

2010-01-05T23:28:00.000-05:00

It's funny how easily people can be influenced by the words and actions of others.

"It's impossible to argue someone out of a position they didn't argue themselves into."

It's so easy to manipulate people. And maybe it's because most people are so trusting. Especially once you've formed a rapport with them. And that's what makes it so hurtful when you find out you've been ignorant.

But that's how you find out who you can trust and who you can't.

Burning Bridges at the Corridor

2010-01-03T07:54:00.000-05:00

The darker sides of my mind sometimes baffle even myself.

Who would have known I could be this twisted?

Another night with no sleep. Except this one's different. This time, I really did not sleep at all. I stayed up the entire night.

Because that terrible experience is on my mind. Because it's reverberating between my eardrums.

And I cant seem to escape it.

Karma. Is that really fair?

How well does karma work if serial killers are never caught? Is this world really as balanced as I pretend?

Maybe the only way to keep things in check is if they are in chaos. No balance. No rules, no reputations. Just everything everywhere at any given time. Could that really be how it all stays hinged together?

But what of those adages? "Good things come to those who wait." "You reap what you sow."

Are they just comfort phrases, made to instill us with a sense of purpose for our good deeds?

Is that all good deeds are? A wish for a reward. Would we still perform as many good deeds if they were not met with such praise and admiration?

Would we then perform more evils?

Once again, I've created a plethora of un-answerable questions. And it really is the not knowing that kills you. At least with closure, you can stop pondering all the possibilities from four till eight.

Eppie

2009-12-21T21:14:00.001-05:00

Eppie. If you still read this let me know.

Though Process in Disarray

2009-12-20T00:00:00.000-05:00

So Im here again. All these thoughts in my head.

And I've really just got to lighten up.

Why so serious?

Another Niche in the Road

2009-12-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

So I exploded. I was hurt and upset. Something that apparently is happening all too often.

And yet I have to wonder, if he stopped hurting me, wouldn't that in turn make me feel upset less often?

And he broached upon that subject again, and I know I've thought the same way a few times, when things didn't seem to be going so good.

So as Im reading about one, it's calmed me down again. And as I start being calmed down, she of course has to say something to piss me off again. Maybe it's because I am more like her than I think.

Because when she's in one mood, she bitches and moans about everything and makes things up to satiate that feeling of bitchiness.

Perhaps I just need a little more control. And again, once I've read more, it's calmed me down.

So instead of being pissy at this situation, she of course makes me pissy at hers.

Because she's just like me, and god almighty I hope that I don't end up like that. It's sickening. It's ugly. It's decietful and it's ego-centric. In other words, she's a flat out bitch and I just want her to shut the god damn fuck up.

And I never want to be like her. Ever. Because I'd always just make myself miserable, thinking people are something they're not and being disapointed when I find out they dont always live up to my expectations.

Because I have some pre-concieved notion of who a person is, and it hurts when they don't follow that. But that's my fault, not theirs. So maybe I just need to breathe a little bit, and focus more on fixing myself. Let things happen as they happen, and just make sure I'm happy.

I'm educated. I know a good amount of how and what people think. So letting other people make me miserable, and thus making those I care about miserable - now, that just won't do. So I'll be who I want to be. Right. And I'll just let what comes, come.

Right Between the Eyes

2009-11-19T23:56:00.000-05:00

And Im so obsessed with getting everything down just right.

So obessed with figuring out things much too soon before they happen?

Why? Why do I set such goals and finish days, weeks, months ahead of time? To what extent does this help me? Hurt me?

And I'm just not to sure.

Click.

One More Mocking Bird to Kill

2009-11-16T16:07:00.000-05:00

So says authority.
One more shock, in the name of science
You must follow through.
The epitome of maturity
You've learned to follow orders
You've learned to go against your values
Now, aren't you all grown up?
Doing what you want,
Living how you wish.
Yet every day, you wake
You trek down through the list
You salute your supervisor
Infaulible.
Yeah, you've grown
You no longer misbehave.
Just stay under the radar,
It'll all blow over.
You're all grown up now,
Itching to please,
Ready to do whatever they say
The call you structured.
Courteous, kind.
You follow the rules, no problems here.
You've finally come of age,
They've finally got control.
Growing up means thinking for yourself.

Instead of Throwing Heads

2009-11-15T23:45:00.000-05:00

The most common thing in this world is love. Loss of love, search for love, flourishing love, love you missed out on, love that's suffocating, unrequited love. There are so many adjectives you can use to describe what type of love you're currently experiencing.

So then, what is this love?
Do you remember, so long ago, when I simply wanted to know what this was? Or I'm sorry, is.

This is the strongest emotion I've ever felt.
This is missing you when you've only been gone an hour.
This is fear and anxiety.
This is hope and anticipation.
This is my weakness.
This is my greatest strength.
This is why my pen can't stop.
This is why I can't come up with the right words to say.
This is what it means to be in love.

And though it may seem like a constant contradiction, fearing the future yet longing for it, there's nothing stopping us. So we'll go through our days, we'll have our ups and downs. Faces will pass in and out of our lives.

But no matter how many people pass us by, my hand will always stay intertwined with yours.

An Array of Integers

2009-11-02T00:48:00.000-05:00

I dont know. So many times it goes through my head, and then it dissapates, and then in comes back.

I just cant seem to find the right answer.
I cant scroll through it all.
We just keep butting heads, kissing, making up, and reverting.

Im not sure what path we have to take to get back.

But I love him so very, very much.

A Circle With No End

2009-10-30T13:51:00.000-04:00

So I purposefully cause riots. I instigate. I cause problems. Why? Im still not quite sure. I get these feelings that well up so strong, and I express them immediately, and then in a few minutes, they die down, and I forget why I was ever upset in the first place. I havent listened to Kelly in a while. I like it. A lot haha.

Baby kuz all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted
Was...

So I've decided to change my workout approach. Im more interested in toning than strength gain anyway. So we'll see what happens. I brought my guitar here practically for nothing. I should start messing with it and see if I can figure out how to play anything. Id love to learn to play even just one song haha. But I dont feel like putting the effort in to learning it. I want instant gratification.

Im not sure. I feel... Im not sure really. I really dont even know what to write about, because Im not sure what mind set Im even in at the moment. I dont feel lost, but I dont feel exactly like I know where Im going either. Im just kind of drifting. I want to add my pandora quick mix station to my Ipod. That would be awesome. But I cant haha. I have an old model. Like one of the original Nanos. So no WiFi abilities.

On the other hand, I get to see my darling today =) I am ecstatic. I figure I'll at least do my stretches, maybe even my crunches, today, since I've decided against going to the gym since I'm changing my workout process anyway. I should get my bag packed, get my stretches out of the way, and maybe Ill waste some time playing WoW. I havent say back and played a video game in a while, I might even whip out one of my RPGS. Maybe Ill look up how to beat that level of A Bug's Life. Or I'll turn on Croc 2. That sounds like a good plan.

With that in mind, I do so bid farewell... One day this'll make you proud.

A Heart That's Fallen Away

2009-10-24T00:08:00.001-04:00

It truly is invigorating to hear the rapid clacking of my keyboard once again. Music playing in the background, my thoughts simple and free-flowing; I feel content.

I will admit some anxiousness though. I want my baby to be here with me. He'll be here soon enough though, I suppose I can wait.

For some reason, I don't feel like being symbolic or poetic tonight. My brain is tired. I set up my schedule through November for my practicums, my work nights, my visits home, and my campus activities. I firmly believe lesson plans will be my forte once I become a teacher. It's so crazy. I'm actually in process of earning my degree. I'm actually on my way to being an "adult."

And all the while, that butterfly's still flitting nearby, and I'm still amazed by it's beauty.

Footsteps in the Sand

2009-10-23T00:03:00.000-04:00

And sometimes you notice someone walking beside you. You look to see them, but somehow, all you see is what they've left behind. Imprints in the sand, a little reminder that you've never been alone.

A little reminder. I like those. I love giving little reminders to people. And boy do I love recieving them. Nothing big mind you; a post-it that says "You're special," a card that reads "I love you." Even an e-mail, just to let you know you're in people's thoughts.

I havent listened to Kelly Clarkson in a while. I grew away from the CD once it stopped perfectly fitting with what I felt. I guess that means I'm healing. It's so odd you know, to have him finally beginning to think in ways that I've been thinking all along. And even still, I seem to grasp the fact that what is to come is a mystery so much better than he does. I wish I could track down some envelopes. And stamps. I keep seeing a few on Tyler's desk, but it would be so cruel to claim them as my own. I feel as though I may have to tread softly in his wake for a while. Just a hunch.

What part of our brains causes us to question? I wish I could find some answers. I feel like I have this vast amount of knowledge, but it's all contained in a seive, slowly falling through before I can manage to use it all. And with each unanswered question, more and more falls away from my grasp. Why is it that some people can see the world in such bright lights, and others see only the practical? Is it really fair to judge whose view is correct?

Im still dancing with that butterfly, still being patient, waiting for it to come to me instead of reaching out to grab it. In time, I know it will fly this way. For now, I am simply astounded by the flutter of its wings.

It's Been a While..

2009-10-21T22:31:00.000-04:00

Let me break the ice,
Allow me to get you right -
Wont you warm up to me?
Baby I can make you feel...

And with all this happening at once, all the worry fading away into the background, all this time on my hands, all these responsibilities, all the extra turns, all the simple failures.

All the decisions to make and all the time that's flying by before I can catch it.

It's like a butterfly, flittering before my fingers, taunting me with its beauty, but I know if I reach out and touch it, I may injure it. If I touch it, it could fall, it would be crushed, it would stop being beautiful.

And I'd be left with nothing.

So instead, I've come to love this fleeting dream. This bombardment of fairy tales. This promise of what is to come. I've managed to find comfort in it, though I know better than anyone that the future is fleeting.

And I feel that I've grown. I feel that I've matured. I can't say why, I can't say when, but I realize that certain things I used to do and other things I've yet to try are alternating, and in the process, I am changing.

In good ways I hope.

My love of writing has yet to cease. I can easily read for hours on end. Did you know they consider that being put in a different state of consciousness? Though I must tread carefully when expressing my new knowledge, I find it fascinating. I just must refrain from being pompous.

And things are going splendidly. My worries, my fears, my doubts that seemed to overwhelm me not too long ago have dissapaited, resurfacing only to be pushed away again. The adjustment has been made. The past has been accepted, and soon it may even be forgiven.

My love still burns passionately. And with such joys to speak of, as we begin the fastest years of our lives, I am filled with hope. Anticipation. Excitement. Revelation. All the good sides, all the positive outlooks, with little to no anxiety. I am capable of accepting that things can't always go my way; that the life I wish for may not happen.

But if that's the case, then that is simply how it's meant to be. I can survive anything, with the right support, and I can support anything, because I have enough strength. It is truly an amazing feeling to be able to make all your own decisions. To plan out your own days. To spend your time however you wish.

And I am proud that I have proven to be self-sufficient. I am proud that no one needs to tell me when to do my homework, my projects. No one needs to tell me to study for my tests. Though I've always seemed to do things on my own, knowing that I truly am who I am, without any fall backs, is a comfort.

I finally feel like Im walking in my own shoes. Im not anyone's shadow. Im not impressing anyone. I am doing things for myself, and for those I care about. I am staying balanced and healthy, with no one to blame but myself.

I am in a state of transition. And it seems to be going splendidly.

Ultimatums

2009-07-04T23:58:00.002-04:00

It's strange. This bothers me immensely.

I miss my baby.
But he'll be back soon enough.
Change is still on the horizon.
It's already occured.
But I guess it still hasnt sunk in.
I dont like all this responsibility.
I especially dont like all these bills.
But I like growing up.
I like discovering myself.
I like knowing people incredibly well, simply because Ive known them for so long.
I like that I was able to keep my goals in sight and continuously work on them.

I like where things are heading.
I like where things have been.
I am...

Happy.

Inertia

2009-05-19T21:42:00.002-04:00

An object in motion stays in motion. Im in motion alright.
And it's finally sinking in that in a week, things will never be the same.
There's change. There's always change. I know this. I know. I've always known.
So why is it still so hard to accept?

The only way to move is forward. The only time you have is now. So why am I wasting my time doing so many things when there are so many things Id rather be doing?

Because I want a future.
Because I know that eventually things will be okay.
They're always okay.

I have faith. I have hope.

So I keep moving forward, no matter what that means I may have to leave behind. Maybe somethings Ill have to drag forward with me, maybe others will run too far ahead.

But that's a part of life, isnt it? Holding things dear to you, and losing them. Finding things, forgetting things, life is so much more than just living.

Its purpose? Who knows. Who really cares? The point is we're alive. So we might as well live.

You never know how much time you have.

News

2009-05-05T22:15:00.002-04:00

New job. New friends. New tastes.

That's why you can never really define yourself - because humans are too finicky. Everything changes.

But change doesnt always mean something bad. Change can also mean growth, expansion, transending. And alot of other beautiful synonyms.

No school or work till Friday. Wonder if Ill enjoy myself? Im so damn clingy...
But once upon a time that was a-okay... I wonder if it still is.

Im only strong on the surface.

Fact of Life

2009-04-27T15:34:00.002-04:00

My perception is so incredibly skewed by my literature. I have to keep reminding myself, it only happens that way in fiction.

But that's not always true. There are examples in real life. And there are fictional stories with endings that make you cry.

But the one thing I dont understand, what I dont think I'll ever be able to understand, is how you can go from loving someone more than anything, promising them the world and more, honestly be willing to do anything they asked, and then one day just throw it all away. How do people just walk away from something they took so much time to build?

I'd like to believe that the happiness and warmth I feel will keep lasting interminably. But I know that realistically, there's a very slim chance of that happening. Before, I worried about that slim chance endlessly - but now, no matter what the outcome could be, that sliver of hope has become a blinding light. I know that at any given moment, everything could be ripped away from me - I know exactly how that feels - but ya know what? I dont care. Because the memories are worth it. Because this happiness is something I wouldnt trade for the world. Because when we race to jinx eachother, we smile the entire time. Because he worries about me, just like I worry about him. Because I love him, more than anything and everything put together, I love him. And I know for certain that he loves me in return.

And that is the most powerful feeling, the greatest strength, the soundest happiness, that a human being can ever feel - loving someone unconditionally, and being loved in return. Which is why I dont understand how people can change their minds like they do. But I guess I've never been in that situation, and truthfully I hope I never have to experience that doubt.

All because two people fell in love.

Zutto, Zutto, Zutto!

2009-04-26T12:46:00.002-04:00

This contentedness makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It feels nice ^_^

So I only have a little bit left to do today, and then Im free. But alas, free for what, I have no idea =_=

I love my evil genius
Nothing can come between us,
Im in love with a genius...

I need to stop listening to The Exies maybe. Oh well. Pandora's staying on anyway. And I finally got Underworld, so I know what Im doing later XD

I <3 Selena. My thought's are so shallow at the moment, it's quite comforting. I feel very relaxed. Oh, and I finally landed a job. So I'll have money. And APs are coming up, but they'll be pretty swift and painless methinks.

So I can let the stress just wash itself away. Right? There's nothing to worry about... Right?

Ill be okay... Right?

Gripping the Edge of my Seat

2009-04-21T22:26:00.002-04:00

They say that the best way to live is on the edge of despair.
I disupte that.
I believe the best way to live is on the edge of euphoria.

Because still, after all this, when I get lost in my own thoughts, it still hurts. It still aches. And every time he says those words that I do so love to hear, I find it harder and harder to bite back tears.

So Im at odds with myself once again. I wish I werent such a damn pessimist.

God, it makes me so happy when people say how much change they've noticed, how many positive affects I've had on him, and vice versa, of course. I cant stop smiling when he's being sweet, cant stop laughing when he teases me, cant stop staring when my gaze locks with his.

And all I want more than anything in the world is just to be by his side.

So why these remnaint feelings? Why this worry, this inconcievable doubt? In truth, I know why. But Im too much of a chicken to ever do anything about it. If I just breathe, everything will be okay.

Yes, stress is a fact of every day life. I know that. And once upon a time, I thought I was good at dealing with it. Then I found out how terribly terribly wrong I was. Little by little, it's nicking parts of me off over time, soon Ill be reduced to rubble. Some days I feel so secure, and others I feel like Im teetering on the edge. Great. Now Im the bipolar one.

But I cant really help how I feel from day to day. God, if there's one thing I know it's how happy I've been these past few days. So why this choked up-ed-ness that seems to keep its grip on me? Why lie to him when he asks if Im okay? I trust him, I love him, if anything, I should be able to tell him Im having trouble breathing.

But I dont want to worry him. I dont want to add to his troubles.
Whether or not that's stubborn and stupid, I've yet to decide.

But above all, I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Forever and always.

Childish? Yes. Nescessary? Of Course.

2009-04-19T00:34:00.003-04:00

Me: love you more =P
Him: impossible

He is the Pilgrim, She is the Saint

2009-04-18T21:58:00.002-04:00

I feel as though I've accomplished something.

Java - done (both multiple choice and the programs)
English Recording - done (embarassing, but done)
English Editing - done (minus the credits, which'll take 10 minutes)
Scholarship Essay - done (though admittedly, half-heartedly)
Activities Sheet - done (wasnt too hard at all)
1984 - done (at least what's required for class)

Why get all this work done ahead of time? Because, Im hoping against all hope, waiting on the edge of my seat for the phone to ring, and I want to be sure that I have a fair amount of free time available tomorrow.

The downside? If my hopes are for nought, Im going to be incredibly bored tomorrow.

Russian Roulette

2009-04-13T22:40:00.002-04:00

Just aint the same without a gun ~

I dont remember if I locked the front door. I hear something moving around upstairs, and it's kind of freaking me out. But it's probably just mom or the dog. So I'm okay. Besides, there's nothing worth stealing in this house anyway.

Im not sure. I feel okay I guess. Im still on a high from last night I think. I keep just smiling, and it feels nice. It's been a while since I've been able to just smile. But amazingly Im alright. More than alright. I feel immensely spectacular, in fact. So today's 6 months. Go figure. And the funny part - I ended up eating at the same resturant I did six months ago. I wonder if I'll go there again in October? Probably, seeing as every six months I have a damn dentist appointment and it's on the way home. Or maybe not, since I'll be going by myself I hope. And I dont like eating alone.

I dont like doing anything alone really, except maybe reading or drawing. I hate the feeling. Immensely.

I also hate dropping the e for words ending in ly. Spectacular for someone who plans to major in english, eh?

All eyes on me in the center of the ring,
Just like a circus
Dont stand there watching me,
Follow me,
Show me what you can do.

She frustrates me so much. But all I can do is wait till I get out of here. And then Ill either find out that she's right or I can shove it in her know-it-all face and do my I Told You So Dance. This whole growing up thing - I dont know if I like it too much.

I wanna stay on this edge I think - before having to be responsible but old enough to do what I want. But tis I life I guess. Gotta get older. Growing up, however, is completely optional.

Civil War

2009-04-11T20:03:00.001-04:00

"Are all Americans treated equally?"

Every. Single. Post-it. Said. No. And they never will be.

If it seems so inevitable that something will never happen, why do we keep striving for it? Statistically speaking, one in every ten thousand people achieve their dreams. So why do we keep trying to attain the impossible?

The answer's simple really - because impossible things are happening every day.

Chi

2009-04-10T16:12:00.002-04:00

So no more stress, doctor's orders. Gotta keep myself under control and avoid going into cardiac arrest. Okay. No problem.

Virgina's really pretty. At least while it's not incredibly humid. And there's a bookstore 2 blocks away, as well as an ice cream shoppe and other cute little things. So I guess this vacation'll be pretty relaxing after all.

Because everything is okay. Because everything is okay. Everything is okay.

A Perfectly Sound Idea

2009-04-06T22:12:00.002-04:00

I have no idea why I have to fight back tears every time I hear him say it. I have no idea why I get all choked up every time he pulls me closer. I dont know what to think when he looks at me like that, I dont know how to react to every little breath, every sigh, every shudder.

All I can do is be there for him, for better or for worse.

Because I love him. And that's all I really know.

She Fell In Love

2009-04-05T21:36:00.002-04:00

I cant breathe. I cant think. Everything just keeps spinning. I just keep smiling. I dont wanna bring it up, I dont wanna let it even exist. I just want it all to go away! This confusion, this hurt, this optimism, this paranoia - why wont it all just go away?

If I just breathe, everything will be okay. Okay. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10.

And everything's okay again. Because I can do this. Because I can keep smiling. Because impossible things are happening every day.

Try To Step Across the Line

2009-04-04T22:23:00.002-04:00

This anxiousness really needs to dissapate itself. I cant fall asleep, for the same reason that's been reverberating for much too long now. So I figure Ill be like those crazy vampire hunters and seek solace by getting my thoughts down, just like every other time.

No need to dry my eyes, I havent cried in quite some time, you know, it's possible.

I hold on to every little word, every syllable, good and bad, every breathe, every laugh, every smile, every tear - Ive read these words so many times, and every time the result is the same.

And now Im just being paranoid. Sometimes, instead of listening to what people say, you should listen to what they omit.

But apparently Im not the only one who's stuck up in the night. So maybe I can console myself like this.

All I Ever Wanted

2009-04-03T17:08:00.002-04:00

Hearts break too fast when we're sentimental.

It is from our moments of weakness that we become strong.

You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have.

I really have no idea what's going on. And all I can really do is keep holding on, keep smiling, keep dreaming - keep believing. Because everything's guna be alright. Keep breathing. Keep walking. Just keep swimming.

This is just to remind you that I love you, and always will - no matter what.

Modern Day

2009-04-01T18:30:00.002-04:00

I wonder, where is the line we must cross to enter into "real life"? Does that make the life we've lived beforehand simply a "fake life"? Who gets to judge whether or not you're an "adult" or you're still "growing up"? Technically, by age 18, you're a legal adult, at least here. But that's not the same everywhere - Hebrew manhood is age 13.

Where is this line that you must step over to be considered mature, able, older, sophisticated? Personally, I think it might just be drawn in the sand. Or that like all our unwritten rules, it simply doesnt exist. There are adults who act as immature as children, and children who have seen more than an adult ever should.

If everyone has to go through this same repetitive education process, why is it not considered to be "real life"? It's as much a part of life as paying bills and raising kids. I wonder, if a couple never have children, do they ever "grow up"? Maybe that's what seperates the "adults" from the "young adults". The responsibility factor.

I visited my future place of residence today. It was quite fun I must admit, and a little overwhelming - at least Ill know a couple people, so I wont be completely on my own. But I know myself, I know how strong I am, and I think I'll be fine. I'll have to be.

And even though it shouldnt matter - estimated 13.55 miles. Because dreams are so incredibly hard to let go of, and if I were even in the least bit religious I would pray during every minute of my spare time to whichever diety could promise that dream would be fulfilled.

But I keep falling back on my old mantra - If something's meant to be, it will be.

I was thinking in English the other day, how eventually this era is going to be in a text book like the Renaissance, Romantic, Baroque, and Victorian eras. Future students will study our writing styles and our ideals. Thankfully for them, most writings are electronic - writers of the future will be thanked for being lightweight.

Regardless of warnings, the future doesnt scare me at all.

What Hurts the Most

2009-03-27T21:15:00.002-04:00

I should be tired. Or sick. Or something.

But Im not.

Santana's playing in the background. "And we danced on into the night."

"You could tell how we felt by the look on our faces."

Im really not too sure how this will all play out. But for some reason, Im not worried. Im not scared. Because I know just how strong I am. I know how I feel, and I trust myself and my judgement. I know I can do this.

No matter what.

Breathing Used To Come So Easily

2009-03-25T21:16:00.003-04:00

Im not sure why, but my thoughts seem to be in complete disarray. I keep feeling that horrid stinging sensation at the back of my eyes, and I just cant shake this creeping premonition that some great change is about to occur.

Whether it's a good change or a bad one, I'm not exactly sure.

At the very least, I've come to this wonderful conclusion - I have finally learned to wear my heart on my sleeve. Every time I hear him say "I love you" I cherish each syllable, and admitedly, sometimes when I daydream, it's of the simple happiness I feel sitting next to him.

And still, I have to wonder if maybe I'm only kidding myself. That this happiness, this wholeness that I feel, is only temporary. But I can't dwell on thoughts like that, not with so many happy memories to lean on. Not with this overflowing amount of hope that's managed to instill itself within me.

Haha. I'm not sure why I wrote that note. I dont even really remember what it said, to be honest. But I remember him smiling as he read it; whether it was the first or second time he read it, I'm not quite sure, I suspect the first, but the main point is he smiled. I would do anything for that smile.

And that is why I feel content. Because that's the honest truth. I would do anything for him, for his best interest, for his happiness, regardless of the consequences. And I trust that if he knows this, he'll never ask me to do anything that would hurt me or anyone else.

"Love is giving someone the power to break your heart and trusting them not to."

Because like I told Sam, the greatest romance of your life is the one you experience while you are young and filled with hope, passion, dreams - before life makes you too far jaded. That's when you can give your whole self to someone if you so choose. I hope as I get older, I can remember that. I always want to give everything my all - I always want to do and be the very best I can be.

Which is why, no matter the consequence, I've given him all that I am, and hope to share with him all that I become.

Retroactive Continuity

2009-03-22T17:45:00.002-04:00

Noun: the deliberate changing of previously established facts in a work of serial fiction, commonly refered to as "retcon"; known in RPGs as a "reality shift"

That's what happens between Jurassic Park and The Lost World. The latter I really hope someone has somewhere, Id really like to read it.

So I wonder if I can add Malcolm to my list of favorite characters who die or not, seeing how his death is retconned for the sequel?

Small world. John Michael Crichton, a man I've never even heard of before, is as unanimous as Tara Strong, except for totally different works. He was the screenwriter for the series E.R. I never knew.

And he just might be one of my favorite authors ever. So I really wanna get more of his books - luckily they're all old, so I can buy them pretty cheap.

But Ill wait and see if I like his other works just as much as this one, or if Im biased because I love the movies so much - which, unlike most other movies I've seen, was actually incredibly accurate when compared with the book, minus a few slight details.

I agree with the Malcolm Effect. I believe in the Chaos Theory. The Butterfly Effect. It makes sense to me - I dont know if that makes me logical or not.

Life's life. It keeps moving. Some things are altered, and you go back to how things were before, and everything just falls into place again after being shook up momentarily.

That's because it's all a nonlinear equation, science and physics cant really explain it, but there are many theories, a plethora of theories, none of which can be proved or disproved. But oh well.

Kelly Clarkson's playing, and I have to paint a hallway before writing my three english essays, so I cant be philosophical for a while now. Time to get to work.

"But if you look at it from retrospec, the graph of one day is the same as the graph for a year. Each day is the same as a year."
~Ian Malcolm (Michael Chrichton)

Butterfly Kisses

2009-03-19T20:39:00.002-04:00

I almost forgot how much I adore butterflies. How much I adore faeries and pixies and all those cute little fantasy creatures. How much I adore fiction.

Because fiction has to make sense - there's always an X that causes a Y, and even if the Y seems unfair, there's still an equation behind it.

I have one more chapter of Dracula to read tonight, and then Im done until Monday.Which means tomorrow I can spend BC doing my physics homework, seeing as it's due on Wednesday. And then (oh joy) a meeting with Mr. White next Thursday... That outta be oodles of fun. On the bright side, I have a new friend to sit by during physics. And I could possibly have another new friend after this Saturday if I make a good impression.

My contacts are blurring a little. My essay's already written, and Ive completed my english essay corrections. I have an idea for another book, I might draw out an outline at some point in time - depending on how this chapter ends.

Is it really fair to break things down into chapters though? It's more like one continuous spectrum... It has breaks and some things end and others start, but not really in any sequential order and there really is no basic timeline to follow underneath it.

I need to take my contacts out. The heat of my room is making me feel nauseated. Guess it's almost time to put the heater away already. It's so strange, really, to think of how quickly time has passed... I wonder what it will feel like when twice as much time has gone by?

Human memory is so terribly foulible. That's why I have this obsession with writing everything down, to help me jog my memory - there are so many things I want to hold on to, a million things I always want to remember. And even more so, I want to be able to bring those feelings back from the depths of my heart - I always want to be able to feel these strong emotions - I always want to be able to feel alive.

When I feel that rush, that's where it is - the biggest dreams in the smallest places.
In a midnight talk, in a morning kiss, when Im in your arms, that's where it is.

Time Stops for No One

2009-03-18T06:43:00.002-04:00

I finally get it. The feather, the mirror, the quote. The letter.

I finally understand what he was trying to teach me. He wasnt trying to teach me a lesson, he wasnt reprimanding me for making up stories.

He was trying to show me what would happen if I kept lying to myself. If I kept pretending to be something Im not.

I thought Id figured it out much earlier, that's why I was so keen on trying to discover myself, so I no longer had to pretend - but I think maybe, forcing myself to decide what made me who I am negated the lesson as well.

That cry to be different, to be unique - that wasnt really me. I wasnt doing things because I enjoyed them, I was doing things because they seemed exciting, because they'd make good stories.

I finally understand what he was trying to show me. There is no one way to live life, no one sure road to happiness. Everything happens in its own different way, every experience is different. There's really no need to be different or unique forcefully. By being yourself, by listening to your feelings and thoughts, you make yourself happy. You live. If you love yourself, if you're honest with yourself and with others, if you can live a balanced life, no matter what happens, you can be happy, you live your life.

I've finally realized what everyone's been trying to show me for so long - I dont need to discover myself, Im here already, and as time goes on, Ill get to know myself, bit by bit, so long as Im honest with myself.

Im sorry it took me so long to realize this Zane, and I hope, wherever you are, you're living how you taught me - doing something you love, being with people you love, and being true to yourself.

And honestly, I know that this may take some effort to get used to, actually, it will take alot of effort to live and just live, just keep things honest and pure and okay.

But I think I can do it. I know I can do this. It took me this long to finally learn a lesson - I wont let that lesson go to waste.

Retrospect

2009-03-17T19:59:00.001-04:00

"I dont know whether, in retrospect, she's coming out of something worse, or going deeper in."

Those people, those dear dear people who really want to get inside your head, who accept you no matter who you are or what you do - who want to know how you think, what you think, everything like that.

I live for those people.

I strive to find those people.

I hope that when I find those people, I can be that type of person for them as well.

Because there's nothing better in all of the world than having people who love you, and who you love in return.

This life is crazy, it's wonderful and terrible and every inbetween.

It's beautiful, and I wouldnt trade it for all the treasure in the world.

Its Guna Be Sad, Its Guna Be True

2009-03-16T21:31:00.005-04:00

The sooner you let two hearts beat together, the sooner you know this love is forever.
But there's no such thing as forever - forever is merely composed of nows.

I dont know why they call it heartbreak. It felt like every other part of my body was broken too. Like every little piece of me was being pulled in opposing directions. And then suddenly, it stopped. Every pain, every ache, every exhausting thought - they all just melted away.

Why do people like watching movies with sad endings? Why do people like movies that distort reality into something unattainable?

Admittedly, Im incredibly confused. Admittedly, Im incredibly worried that our days are numbered. Admittedly, it still hurts a little to look at him.

Admittedly, there is this overwhelming feeling of hope inside me, bubbling up to the surface and overflowing, that maybe, just maybe, being stressed and tired and having a bad day just caused an overload and everything will just blow over.

He says he loves me. And I believe him, with all my heart.
I believe in him.

A Variable That Stays Constant: Final

2009-03-06T22:46:00.003-05:00

That made me smile. The pictures, the tuxedo examples, my peek into his world when Im not around. My sneaky little way to see what he thinks about when Im not attached to him.

The fact that he thinks of me so often, the little post-it notes in my locker that I cant help but smile at every time the hinges creak open, even though I always know Im going to see them.

The fact that he said "Then they'd be getting punched."

The fact that I smile every time Im with him, near him, see him, think of him, no matter what else is going on - and the fact that when I feel overwhelmed and stop smiling his arms are around me instantly.

The fact that we can spend so many days doing nothing and still not be bored with eachother - the fact that when we do go out we thouroughly enjoy ourselves and laugh the entire time.

The fact that somehow he knows all about me and still hasnt turned away.

The fact that even though we're so different and have such repeling opinions, we still manage to have endless "Breakfast At Tiffany's" moments.

The fact that when we say the same word at the same time, we race to jinx eachother.

The fact that my hairbrush sits on the shelf right by his bed, along with my drawing and a picture of us together.

The fact that he calls himself my dork - the fact that he claims me as his and I gladly agree.

The fact that he makes me blush like mad.

The wonderful feeling that surges through me when I see him smiling at me.

The fact that Im respected, and never, ever objectified, that its not something terribly superficial and meaningless.

The fact that I never doubt his sincerity in what he says. The wonderful way he looks at me when he whispers "You're gorgeous."

The way he stares at me and I can see the rest of the world melt away - the beautiful feeling when we kiss that nothing else matters and every problem just melts away.

The fact that this list could literally go on forever, and that every item recorded makes me smile or laugh, makes my heart happy, makes me feel wanted, safe, and secure.

The fact that no matter what happens later, no matter what hardships befall us or how much distance comes between us, I will always feel the same.

This is how I know we are completely, truly, madly, deeply, irreversably in love.

Currents

2009-03-02T18:32:00.002-05:00

Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: Apologize by OneRepublic
Current Book: Dracula
Current Best Friend: Sammy & Jekka
Current Reason to Smile: Michael
Current Reason to Cry: Shingo
Current Reason to Scream: Stress
Current Favorite Food: Motzarella Sticks
Current Thought: Maybe some things are that simple
Current Quote: "The night is darkest just before the dawn."
Current Movie: AIR The 1000th Summer
Current Concern: Graduation...
Current Longing: To feel safe & wanted
Current IM: Twitchy
Current Question: Why do we complicate so many simple things?

I want to write a poem.
About a girl who once shone as bright as the sun,
And glistened like a shooting star.
Who's eyes twinkled when she smiled -
Which was often,
And who's laughter echoed all day long.
About a girl who embraced everything
And accepted people for who they are.
A girl who had her faults, but had many more virtues -
About a girl who had hope, and truly believed in her future.
But one day, that hope becomes shallow,
The glitter grows dull,
The twinkle all but disapears.
The shooting stars stop moving,
The smile turns itself inside-out.
Her eyes jaded, laughter faded into agonizing silence.
Her passion gone, her faults grown, her virtues diminished -
This girl who had so much promise
This girl who was once so chromatic, now faded to black & white.
I want to write a poem about a girl
Who could have had the world,
But she lost her drive, lost her innocence, lost her hope
And faded into the backdrop.
This wallflower became part of the scenery,
Just another face in the crowd,
Because something bad happened,
Something she couldnt get over, couldnt let go -
So she held on to it, as everything else drifted away.
This poem will show how much change can occur
For such small reasons, in such short time
Illustrating a supernova
Metamorphed into a black hole
And really,
What could ever be that bad
To turn technicolor into gray-scale?
What could jade the twinkle in her eyes?
And if this so easily molded
A beautiful butterfly
Into a common moth
Is there a cure
Within this poem
A translation in these words
To paint the sky with blue
To add a little shine?
To color all the black & white
And fix the broken lines?
I want to write a poem
About a girl who had it all
Lost it - gave up hope
But had hope instilled in her
And found herself again.

Gold Spray Paint

2009-02-26T16:28:00.003-05:00

Simple solutions that pop up out of now where, after a problem beat you down for weeks or months. Just there, right in front of you. Making everything just melt away.

It feels so good to let everything just melt away. Blizzard is 10% complete. My feet are cold, and my baseball cap is from a different country.

My room is clean.

My face is covered with pounds of make-up. There's a slight bruise forming under my right eye, but so far it's only a slight discoloration, unnoticable unless told to look for it.

My love is being bought. I've aquired a new sketch book, some hair ribbons, and a paid dinner with the love of my life.

Everything's exactly how it always is. Its funny, when there's an on-going problem, it ceases to be a problem anymore. It's just life. It's going to be so strange when Im not being guilt tripped and screamed at. I dont know what Ill do with all my angsty feelings then.

Will I still even have them when they no longer have a catalyst?

The scent of my shimmery pink nail polish is still circulating my room. I still cannot fathom all the good things that have happened. The door's finally opening. It's not the person Im waiting for.

Are my theories really that profound?

No Good Deed

2009-02-23T18:48:00.002-05:00

Was I really seeking good,
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are,
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Then maybe that's the reason why...

Let all Oz be agreed,
Im wicked through and through
Since I could not succeed in
Fiyero, saving you
I promise no good deed
Will I attempt to do again
Ever again!

I wish I could go back to being a little kid, where nothing really matters.

Then again, what really does matter anyway?

Think about it... so long as you are loved and love in return, so long as you have people you can believe in, people you can trust, just one person you can hold on to...

That's all you really need.

If it's not fatal, it doesnt matter.

It's all about putting your behind in the past - er rather, putting your past behind you.

Repeat after me: Hakuna Matata.

Yuchou Sentai Dara Ranger

2009-02-22T22:58:00.003-05:00

It seems kind of ironic, waking up miserable, having such a wonderfully amazing day, and having the day end the same way you woke up.

I wonder, will today go on my happy or sad memories list? Do I want a day like this to happen again? The middle part, yes, for sure, in a heartbeat - but Im not sure if it means Ill have to repeat the begining and the end again.

And again and again and again - it never stops. Why not? Everything in life changes right? So why hasnt this stopped yet?

I wonder if my memory will even keep today's events stored ten years from now... I wonder if this will stop then. I wonder if Ill be able to have my middle portion, without the begining and end.

I've learned... I've learned...
I've learned nothing. Sorry Mr. Omer B. Washington -
I still keep making the same mistakes.

Hikari

2009-02-21T21:36:00.002-05:00

I've been having these weird thoughts lately - like, is any of this for real... Or not?

You're giving me
Too many things
Lately,
You're all I need
You smiled at me, and said
"Dont get me wrong I love you,
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you will understand,
What I meant when I said
'No, I dont think life is quite that simple.'"
When you walk away
You dont hear me say
Please, oh baby, dont go -
Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings,
The future doesnt scare me at all -
Nothing's like before
The daily things
That keep us all busy
Are confusing me
That's when you came to me
And said,
"Wish I could prove I love you,
But does that mean I have to walk on water?
When we are older you will understand
It's enough when I say so,
And maybe, some things are that simple."
When you walk away
You dont hear me say
Please, oh baby, dont go
Simple and clean
Is the way that you're making me feel tonight -
It's hard to let it go...

A scattered dream that's like a far-off memory... A far-off memory that's like a scattered dream. I want to line the pieces up - yours, and mine.

In you and I
There's a new land
(Angels and Fire)
My sanctuary,
Where fears and lies
Melt away
(Musical Tide)
What's left of me
What's left of me now?
I watch you
Fast asleep
All I fear
Means nothing
In you and I
There's a new land
(Angels and Fire)
My sanctuary,
Where fears and lies
Melt away
(Musical Tide)
What's left of me
Whats left of me...
My heart's a battle-ground
You show me
How to see
That nothing is whole and
Nothing is broken
In you and I
There's a new land
(Angels and Fire)
My sanctuary,
Where fears and lies
Melt away
(Musical Tide)
What's left of me
What's left of me now?
My fears, my lies
Melt away...

Lost in the Pages

2009-02-20T22:27:00.002-05:00

A clock-work heart
Giddy with joy
Glitters with enthusiasm
As it jumps and turns its gears
Racing, slowing, beating
Raising blood pressure
As you forget to breathe
Eyes twinkle
And dialate in the shimmering moonlight
As the sun reflects its radiance
In your eyes -
The tides pushing and pulling
The waves of your soft lips
Against mine
And in a moment
As the tick-tock heart skips a beat
And the gears pause in disbelief
The world opens a new window
Of truth, happiness, and beyond
To enter the fathoms of glamour
And wonderland
Walking through this dream
With nothing but hope to guide you
And a voice calling you back
When you stray too far
And teeter on the edge
"Ill always be here."