Flash Dance

Strange how much our past experiences affect our present selves.

Strange how hard it is to let go of certain seemingly trivial memories. Words. Phrases. Actions.

You have a wet moth crawling on your face. You saved its life. It is thanking you by making you smile.

Smile.

Tski da nai <3

Unstable Comforts

Ah. Daily living. Seeing you, seeing him, seeing her. Every morning waking up with something to do, even unplanned. Making plans for later, making plans for now, not planning anything at all.

Being able to sleep in. Having to wake up.

Exercising.

Chilling out.

This is so... Comforting. As everything kind of... Clicks into place. Or at least starts to.

And I realize, you cant force things, you can't come on too strong because then it only ends up breaking up again. And maybe if it's broken, you can't put it back together because you lost a few parts that can't be replaced. It's easier just to accept it, healthier even.

So just breathe in and out and let it go.

Yeah. Me let go. Funny how that seems to somehow work so easily with certain people, and is oh so hard with others.

But if my summer continues like this, and spills into next semester, I would be so happy. I would feel so... safe. Maybe even wanted.

And I find it incredibly unfair that when I am here, alone, my fingers eager to be the gateway for my mind, I can be so articulate, but in situations when something really needs to be said, I lose my ability to think, let alone turn scattered thoughts into actual sounds, words, and sentences. You become so articulate and speak so swiftly, it's almost overwhelming. Actually, scratch the almost, it is incredibly overwhelming, and does nothing to help the fact that I crawl into myself and try to run away to somewhere safer.

I always swore I would never be afraid.

But there are so many things that I am completely terrified of.

Daddy's girl's a fucking monster.
Sugar and razor blades, acid pink lemonade, that's how baby dolls are made.

Hush baby girl. Why does that specific phrase have such a strong effect on me? Why does it reverberate in my head hours, days later, without any type of provocation?

Why am I letting myself be so stupid? I thought I was much more intelligent than this.

The Stars Glow

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time.

He said something about how awful the world would be without time, but I'm not quite sure exactly how he phrased it.

I need to stop spending money. I need to stop buying books.

I have a plan for one aspect of summer at least.

I need to call that guy about his damn journal.

I want...

What do I want? I know exactly what I want.

And without her, I feel so alone.

Down Syndrome

I havent visitied Mumu in quite some time.

Do you believe in epiphanies? Does it really work like that?

Why do these damn books always make me reflect so god damn much... I really wish I could get the fuck out of my own fucking god damn head. But apparently, that is, as always, simply an impossibility.

I miss Onyx. And it fucking hurts.

And I'm not quite sure what I want. Words of comfort? Optimism? Caring? Will that really help any?

I remember when we were young, how we said all these fucked up people attract other fucked up people and somehow by combining all their fucked-upped-ness, for at least a little bit, they feel un-fucked.

But really, the majority of people I've met have had their fair share of problems. Maybe this whole world really is just god damn fucked to hell. Jesus fucks.

That is apparently my word of the day.

Fuck it.

The Noose or the Knife?

Random conversations with people you barely know are always fun.

Skimming through texts, picking out bits and pieces of all my favorite parts.

Who knew life could provide such interesting, insightful quotations?

It's so funny. About a year ago, actually, almost exactly a year ago, I had my future all planned out and ready to go. And somehow, only one thing so far has gone according to plan. Every single other little bit has completely malfunctioned or changed or evolved or transgressed or something.

I hate time.

Am I really not afraid? No, I'm not. The future doesnt scare me anymore, because Id like to believe that Im strong enough to handle anything life can throw at me. Maybe.

If not, Ill tie all my bad memories up in a bell and let my dear friend watch over it for me and keep me protected from it.

I miss Onyx.

Why does everyone always assume new relationships are going to end poorly? Why cant we be a little more optomistic people? Jeez.

Everyone wants to feel safe, I think.

I do so hate to be considered boring. I havent drawn in quite some time. I have an idea, but Im not sure if it will get onto the paper quite how I want it to.

Smile. Please baby, just smile. And dont scare me like that. Please dont ever scare me like that.

Koe

I can play Fatal Frame before work.

I only work 4 hours today.

I get to visit the boy afterwards.

I need to shave.

I write too much poetry, and not nearly enough.

I like to draw.

I will never be able to go to bed at the time I want.

People will always come from unexpected places.

Walmart runs at 3am are amazing.

I hope it's beautiful over there.

Running With Blood on Our Knees

Apparently I need to let up on myself a bit. Because apparently everybody else can see something wonderful that just always escapes my view.

Eh. I dunno.

Got everything booked today. Surprisingly didn't cost an arm or a leg.

Not really feeling this.

Not really feeling much of anything lately.

Am I really stuck on chapter three?