Unstable Comforts

Ah. Daily living. Seeing you, seeing him, seeing her. Every morning waking up with something to do, even unplanned. Making plans for later, making plans for now, not planning anything at all.

Being able to sleep in. Having to wake up.

Exercising.

Chilling out.

This is so... Comforting. As everything kind of... Clicks into place. Or at least starts to.

And I realize, you cant force things, you can't come on too strong because then it only ends up breaking up again. And maybe if it's broken, you can't put it back together because you lost a few parts that can't be replaced. It's easier just to accept it, healthier even.

So just breathe in and out and let it go.

Yeah. Me let go. Funny how that seems to somehow work so easily with certain people, and is oh so hard with others.

But if my summer continues like this, and spills into next semester, I would be so happy. I would feel so... safe. Maybe even wanted.

And I find it incredibly unfair that when I am here, alone, my fingers eager to be the gateway for my mind, I can be so articulate, but in situations when something really needs to be said, I lose my ability to think, let alone turn scattered thoughts into actual sounds, words, and sentences. You become so articulate and speak so swiftly, it's almost overwhelming. Actually, scratch the almost, it is incredibly overwhelming, and does nothing to help the fact that I crawl into myself and try to run away to somewhere safer.

I always swore I would never be afraid.

But there are so many things that I am completely terrified of.

Daddy's girl's a fucking monster.
Sugar and razor blades, acid pink lemonade, that's how baby dolls are made.

Hush baby girl. Why does that specific phrase have such a strong effect on me? Why does it reverberate in my head hours, days later, without any type of provocation?

Why am I letting myself be so stupid? I thought I was much more intelligent than this.