A Circle With No End

So I purposefully cause riots. I instigate. I cause problems. Why? Im still not quite sure. I get these feelings that well up so strong, and I express them immediately, and then in a few minutes, they die down, and I forget why I was ever upset in the first place. I havent listened to Kelly in a while. I like it. A lot haha.

Baby kuz all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted
Was...

So I've decided to change my workout approach. Im more interested in toning than strength gain anyway. So we'll see what happens. I brought my guitar here practically for nothing. I should start messing with it and see if I can figure out how to play anything. Id love to learn to play even just one song haha. But I dont feel like putting the effort in to learning it. I want instant gratification.

Im not sure. I feel... Im not sure really. I really dont even know what to write about, because Im not sure what mind set Im even in at the moment. I dont feel lost, but I dont feel exactly like I know where Im going either. Im just kind of drifting. I want to add my pandora quick mix station to my Ipod. That would be awesome. But I cant haha. I have an old model. Like one of the original Nanos. So no WiFi abilities.

On the other hand, I get to see my darling today =) I am ecstatic. I figure I'll at least do my stretches, maybe even my crunches, today, since I've decided against going to the gym since I'm changing my workout process anyway. I should get my bag packed, get my stretches out of the way, and maybe Ill waste some time playing WoW. I havent say back and played a video game in a while, I might even whip out one of my RPGS. Maybe Ill look up how to beat that level of A Bug's Life. Or I'll turn on Croc 2. That sounds like a good plan.

With that in mind, I do so bid farewell... One day this'll make you proud.

A Heart That's Fallen Away

It truly is invigorating to hear the rapid clacking of my keyboard once again. Music playing in the background, my thoughts simple and free-flowing; I feel content.

I will admit some anxiousness though. I want my baby to be here with me. He'll be here soon enough though, I suppose I can wait.

For some reason, I don't feel like being symbolic or poetic tonight. My brain is tired. I set up my schedule through November for my practicums, my work nights, my visits home, and my campus activities. I firmly believe lesson plans will be my forte once I become a teacher. It's so crazy. I'm actually in process of earning my degree. I'm actually on my way to being an "adult."

And all the while, that butterfly's still flitting nearby, and I'm still amazed by it's beauty.

Footsteps in the Sand

And sometimes you notice someone walking beside you. You look to see them, but somehow, all you see is what they've left behind. Imprints in the sand, a little reminder that you've never been alone.

A little reminder. I like those. I love giving little reminders to people. And boy do I love recieving them. Nothing big mind you; a post-it that says "You're special," a card that reads "I love you." Even an e-mail, just to let you know you're in people's thoughts.

I havent listened to Kelly Clarkson in a while. I grew away from the CD once it stopped perfectly fitting with what I felt. I guess that means I'm healing. It's so odd you know, to have him finally beginning to think in ways that I've been thinking all along. And even still, I seem to grasp the fact that what is to come is a mystery so much better than he does. I wish I could track down some envelopes. And stamps. I keep seeing a few on Tyler's desk, but it would be so cruel to claim them as my own. I feel as though I may have to tread softly in his wake for a while. Just a hunch.

What part of our brains causes us to question? I wish I could find some answers. I feel like I have this vast amount of knowledge, but it's all contained in a seive, slowly falling through before I can manage to use it all. And with each unanswered question, more and more falls away from my grasp. Why is it that some people can see the world in such bright lights, and others see only the practical? Is it really fair to judge whose view is correct?

Im still dancing with that butterfly, still being patient, waiting for it to come to me instead of reaching out to grab it. In time, I know it will fly this way. For now, I am simply astounded by the flutter of its wings.

It's Been a While..

Let me break the ice,
Allow me to get you right -
Wont you warm up to me?
Baby I can make you feel...

And with all this happening at once, all the worry fading away into the background, all this time on my hands, all these responsibilities, all the extra turns, all the simple failures.

All the decisions to make and all the time that's flying by before I can catch it.

It's like a butterfly, flittering before my fingers, taunting me with its beauty, but I know if I reach out and touch it, I may injure it. If I touch it, it could fall, it would be crushed, it would stop being beautiful.

And I'd be left with nothing.

So instead, I've come to love this fleeting dream. This bombardment of fairy tales. This promise of what is to come. I've managed to find comfort in it, though I know better than anyone that the future is fleeting.

And I feel that I've grown. I feel that I've matured. I can't say why, I can't say when, but I realize that certain things I used to do and other things I've yet to try are alternating, and in the process, I am changing.

In good ways I hope.

My love of writing has yet to cease. I can easily read for hours on end. Did you know they consider that being put in a different state of consciousness? Though I must tread carefully when expressing my new knowledge, I find it fascinating. I just must refrain from being pompous.

And things are going splendidly. My worries, my fears, my doubts that seemed to overwhelm me not too long ago have dissapaited, resurfacing only to be pushed away again. The adjustment has been made. The past has been accepted, and soon it may even be forgiven.

My love still burns passionately. And with such joys to speak of, as we begin the fastest years of our lives, I am filled with hope. Anticipation. Excitement. Revelation. All the good sides, all the positive outlooks, with little to no anxiety. I am capable of accepting that things can't always go my way; that the life I wish for may not happen.

But if that's the case, then that is simply how it's meant to be. I can survive anything, with the right support, and I can support anything, because I have enough strength. It is truly an amazing feeling to be able to make all your own decisions. To plan out your own days. To spend your time however you wish.

And I am proud that I have proven to be self-sufficient. I am proud that no one needs to tell me when to do my homework, my projects. No one needs to tell me to study for my tests. Though I've always seemed to do things on my own, knowing that I truly am who I am, without any fall backs, is a comfort.

I finally feel like Im walking in my own shoes. Im not anyone's shadow. Im not impressing anyone. I am doing things for myself, and for those I care about. I am staying balanced and healthy, with no one to blame but myself.

I am in a state of transition. And it seems to be going splendidly.