Fact of Life

My perception is so incredibly skewed by my literature. I have to keep reminding myself, it only happens that way in fiction.

But that's not always true. There are examples in real life. And there are fictional stories with endings that make you cry.

But the one thing I dont understand, what I dont think I'll ever be able to understand, is how you can go from loving someone more than anything, promising them the world and more, honestly be willing to do anything they asked, and then one day just throw it all away. How do people just walk away from something they took so much time to build?

I'd like to believe that the happiness and warmth I feel will keep lasting interminably. But I know that realistically, there's a very slim chance of that happening. Before, I worried about that slim chance endlessly - but now, no matter what the outcome could be, that sliver of hope has become a blinding light. I know that at any given moment, everything could be ripped away from me - I know exactly how that feels - but ya know what? I dont care. Because the memories are worth it. Because this happiness is something I wouldnt trade for the world. Because when we race to jinx eachother, we smile the entire time. Because he worries about me, just like I worry about him. Because I love him, more than anything and everything put together, I love him. And I know for certain that he loves me in return.

And that is the most powerful feeling, the greatest strength, the soundest happiness, that a human being can ever feel - loving someone unconditionally, and being loved in return. Which is why I dont understand how people can change their minds like they do. But I guess I've never been in that situation, and truthfully I hope I never have to experience that doubt.

All because two people fell in love.

Zutto, Zutto, Zutto!

This contentedness makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It feels nice ^_^

So I only have a little bit left to do today, and then Im free. But alas, free for what, I have no idea =_=

I love my evil genius
Nothing can come between us,
Im in love with a genius...

I need to stop listening to The Exies maybe. Oh well. Pandora's staying on anyway. And I finally got Underworld, so I know what Im doing later XD

I <3 Selena. My thought's are so shallow at the moment, it's quite comforting. I feel very relaxed. Oh, and I finally landed a job. So I'll have money. And APs are coming up, but they'll be pretty swift and painless methinks.

So I can let the stress just wash itself away. Right? There's nothing to worry about... Right?

Ill be okay... Right?

Gripping the Edge of my Seat

They say that the best way to live is on the edge of despair.
I disupte that.
I believe the best way to live is on the edge of euphoria.

Because still, after all this, when I get lost in my own thoughts, it still hurts. It still aches. And every time he says those words that I do so love to hear, I find it harder and harder to bite back tears.

So Im at odds with myself once again. I wish I werent such a damn pessimist.

God, it makes me so happy when people say how much change they've noticed, how many positive affects I've had on him, and vice versa, of course. I cant stop smiling when he's being sweet, cant stop laughing when he teases me, cant stop staring when my gaze locks with his.

And all I want more than anything in the world is just to be by his side.

So why these remnaint feelings? Why this worry, this inconcievable doubt? In truth, I know why. But Im too much of a chicken to ever do anything about it. If I just breathe, everything will be okay.

Yes, stress is a fact of every day life. I know that. And once upon a time, I thought I was good at dealing with it. Then I found out how terribly terribly wrong I was. Little by little, it's nicking parts of me off over time, soon Ill be reduced to rubble. Some days I feel so secure, and others I feel like Im teetering on the edge. Great. Now Im the bipolar one.

But I cant really help how I feel from day to day. God, if there's one thing I know it's how happy I've been these past few days. So why this choked up-ed-ness that seems to keep its grip on me? Why lie to him when he asks if Im okay? I trust him, I love him, if anything, I should be able to tell him Im having trouble breathing.

But I dont want to worry him. I dont want to add to his troubles.
Whether or not that's stubborn and stupid, I've yet to decide.

But above all, I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Forever and always.

Childish? Yes. Nescessary? Of Course.

Me: love you more =P
Him: impossible

He is the Pilgrim, She is the Saint

I feel as though I've accomplished something.

Java - done (both multiple choice and the programs)
English Recording - done (embarassing, but done)
English Editing - done (minus the credits, which'll take 10 minutes)
Scholarship Essay - done (though admittedly, half-heartedly)
Activities Sheet - done (wasnt too hard at all)
1984 - done (at least what's required for class)

Why get all this work done ahead of time? Because, Im hoping against all hope, waiting on the edge of my seat for the phone to ring, and I want to be sure that I have a fair amount of free time available tomorrow.

The downside? If my hopes are for nought, Im going to be incredibly bored tomorrow.

Russian Roulette

Just aint the same without a gun ~

I dont remember if I locked the front door. I hear something moving around upstairs, and it's kind of freaking me out. But it's probably just mom or the dog. So I'm okay. Besides, there's nothing worth stealing in this house anyway.

Im not sure. I feel okay I guess. Im still on a high from last night I think. I keep just smiling, and it feels nice. It's been a while since I've been able to just smile. But amazingly Im alright. More than alright. I feel immensely spectacular, in fact. So today's 6 months. Go figure. And the funny part - I ended up eating at the same resturant I did six months ago. I wonder if I'll go there again in October? Probably, seeing as every six months I have a damn dentist appointment and it's on the way home. Or maybe not, since I'll be going by myself I hope. And I dont like eating alone.

I dont like doing anything alone really, except maybe reading or drawing. I hate the feeling. Immensely.

I also hate dropping the e for words ending in ly. Spectacular for someone who plans to major in english, eh?

All eyes on me in the center of the ring,
Just like a circus
Dont stand there watching me,
Follow me,
Show me what you can do.

She frustrates me so much. But all I can do is wait till I get out of here. And then Ill either find out that she's right or I can shove it in her know-it-all face and do my I Told You So Dance. This whole growing up thing - I dont know if I like it too much.

I wanna stay on this edge I think - before having to be responsible but old enough to do what I want. But tis I life I guess. Gotta get older. Growing up, however, is completely optional.

Civil War

"Are all Americans treated equally?"

Every. Single. Post-it. Said. No. And they never will be.

If it seems so inevitable that something will never happen, why do we keep striving for it? Statistically speaking, one in every ten thousand people achieve their dreams. So why do we keep trying to attain the impossible?

The answer's simple really - because impossible things are happening every day.

Chi

So no more stress, doctor's orders. Gotta keep myself under control and avoid going into cardiac arrest. Okay. No problem.



Virgina's really pretty. At least while it's not incredibly humid. And there's a bookstore 2 blocks away, as well as an ice cream shoppe and other cute little things. So I guess this vacation'll be pretty relaxing after all.

Because everything is okay. Because everything is okay. Everything is okay.

A Perfectly Sound Idea

I have no idea why I have to fight back tears every time I hear him say it. I have no idea why I get all choked up every time he pulls me closer. I dont know what to think when he looks at me like that, I dont know how to react to every little breath, every sigh, every shudder.

All I can do is be there for him, for better or for worse.

Because I love him. And that's all I really know.

She Fell In Love

I cant breathe. I cant think. Everything just keeps spinning. I just keep smiling. I dont wanna bring it up, I dont wanna let it even exist. I just want it all to go away! This confusion, this hurt, this optimism, this paranoia - why wont it all just go away?

If I just breathe, everything will be okay. Okay. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10.

And everything's okay again. Because I can do this. Because I can keep smiling. Because impossible things are happening every day.

Try To Step Across the Line

This anxiousness really needs to dissapate itself. I cant fall asleep, for the same reason that's been reverberating for much too long now. So I figure Ill be like those crazy vampire hunters and seek solace by getting my thoughts down, just like every other time.

No need to dry my eyes, I havent cried in quite some time, you know, it's possible.

I hold on to every little word, every syllable, good and bad, every breathe, every laugh, every smile, every tear - Ive read these words so many times, and every time the result is the same.

And now Im just being paranoid. Sometimes, instead of listening to what people say, you should listen to what they omit.

But apparently Im not the only one who's stuck up in the night. So maybe I can console myself like this.

All I Ever Wanted

Hearts break too fast when we're sentimental.

It is from our moments of weakness that we become strong.

You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have.

I really have no idea what's going on. And all I can really do is keep holding on, keep smiling, keep dreaming - keep believing. Because everything's guna be alright. Keep breathing. Keep walking. Just keep swimming.

This is just to remind you that I love you, and always will - no matter what.

Modern Day

I wonder, where is the line we must cross to enter into "real life"? Does that make the life we've lived beforehand simply a "fake life"? Who gets to judge whether or not you're an "adult" or you're still "growing up"? Technically, by age 18, you're a legal adult, at least here. But that's not the same everywhere - Hebrew manhood is age 13.

Where is this line that you must step over to be considered mature, able, older, sophisticated? Personally, I think it might just be drawn in the sand. Or that like all our unwritten rules, it simply doesnt exist. There are adults who act as immature as children, and children who have seen more than an adult ever should.

If everyone has to go through this same repetitive education process, why is it not considered to be "real life"? It's as much a part of life as paying bills and raising kids. I wonder, if a couple never have children, do they ever "grow up"? Maybe that's what seperates the "adults" from the "young adults". The responsibility factor.

I visited my future place of residence today. It was quite fun I must admit, and a little overwhelming - at least Ill know a couple people, so I wont be completely on my own. But I know myself, I know how strong I am, and I think I'll be fine. I'll have to be.

And even though it shouldnt matter - estimated 13.55 miles. Because dreams are so incredibly hard to let go of, and if I were even in the least bit religious I would pray during every minute of my spare time to whichever diety could promise that dream would be fulfilled.

But I keep falling back on my old mantra - If something's meant to be, it will be.

I was thinking in English the other day, how eventually this era is going to be in a text book like the Renaissance, Romantic, Baroque, and Victorian eras. Future students will study our writing styles and our ideals. Thankfully for them, most writings are electronic - writers of the future will be thanked for being lightweight.

Regardless of warnings, the future doesnt scare me at all.