It's Been a While..

Let me break the ice,
Allow me to get you right -
Wont you warm up to me?
Baby I can make you feel...

And with all this happening at once, all the worry fading away into the background, all this time on my hands, all these responsibilities, all the extra turns, all the simple failures.

All the decisions to make and all the time that's flying by before I can catch it.

It's like a butterfly, flittering before my fingers, taunting me with its beauty, but I know if I reach out and touch it, I may injure it. If I touch it, it could fall, it would be crushed, it would stop being beautiful.

And I'd be left with nothing.

So instead, I've come to love this fleeting dream. This bombardment of fairy tales. This promise of what is to come. I've managed to find comfort in it, though I know better than anyone that the future is fleeting.

And I feel that I've grown. I feel that I've matured. I can't say why, I can't say when, but I realize that certain things I used to do and other things I've yet to try are alternating, and in the process, I am changing.

In good ways I hope.

My love of writing has yet to cease. I can easily read for hours on end. Did you know they consider that being put in a different state of consciousness? Though I must tread carefully when expressing my new knowledge, I find it fascinating. I just must refrain from being pompous.

And things are going splendidly. My worries, my fears, my doubts that seemed to overwhelm me not too long ago have dissapaited, resurfacing only to be pushed away again. The adjustment has been made. The past has been accepted, and soon it may even be forgiven.

My love still burns passionately. And with such joys to speak of, as we begin the fastest years of our lives, I am filled with hope. Anticipation. Excitement. Revelation. All the good sides, all the positive outlooks, with little to no anxiety. I am capable of accepting that things can't always go my way; that the life I wish for may not happen.

But if that's the case, then that is simply how it's meant to be. I can survive anything, with the right support, and I can support anything, because I have enough strength. It is truly an amazing feeling to be able to make all your own decisions. To plan out your own days. To spend your time however you wish.

And I am proud that I have proven to be self-sufficient. I am proud that no one needs to tell me when to do my homework, my projects. No one needs to tell me to study for my tests. Though I've always seemed to do things on my own, knowing that I truly am who I am, without any fall backs, is a comfort.

I finally feel like Im walking in my own shoes. Im not anyone's shadow. Im not impressing anyone. I am doing things for myself, and for those I care about. I am staying balanced and healthy, with no one to blame but myself.

I am in a state of transition. And it seems to be going splendidly.