An Epiphany of Sorts

Alright.

I let it all go once, I can do it again.

Because those few days of just being a girl were amazing. Because my friends are amazing and supportive and wonderful and because everyone, everyone has problems and burdens.

That is not the person I want to be. I want to be happy and lighthearted and beautiful and honest.

I want to be myself no matter who I'm around. And I can do this.

Yeah, Zane burned me. Bad. It hurt. But it's in the past. It shouldn't still bother me. It does, but I need to let it go. Breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.

Yeah, Jekka was my best friend at one point in time. And I still have no idea what caused the chasm between us, but it's there, and there's no closing it, no crossing rickety bridges, just let it go. Breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.

Yeah, I do not have an ideal relationship with either of my parents. Yes, I have issues with being alone and feeling abandoned because of my father. Yes, I'm fearful of weapons and messing up and yelling because of my mother. Yes, I was raised in a pretty violent household, and yes, I feel like I was denied a childhood by raising Jess.
I know deep down, somewhere, my parents are good people. But the key phrase here is that my parents are in fact people. They make mistakes just like anybody else. They have emotions, pasts, hurts, joys. And I know that I will probably always feel guilty, like it was my fault that they had to split up, that I caused all the yelling, fighting, biting, scratching, everything. But it was not my fault. I was a child. Their child. And they couldn't keep it together once I was there. Alright. Okay. I didn't cause it. It was not my fault. So for every hurt and every fight and every night that I stood out on that damn rock staring at the river, breathe in, breathe out, and let it go. Just let it all go.

I don't want to hold on to any of that. I thought maybe that somehow this would turn into a second chance with that group of people, but my head has been filled to the brim with bad memories from trying to get to know them again.

So I am done. I am letting them go. I wish nothing ill upon them, and I know that none of this is their fault, but neither is it mine.

I don't want to be miserable all the time. I don't want to always feel so lonely. So I just simply won't allow myself to.

I have amazing friends that make me laugh and care about me sincerely and wish only the best for me.

I have a new love who is actually nice to me and doesn't constantly batter or berate me or point out everything I'm doing wrong.

I have learned to do things for myself simply for me because it is what I feel I want or need to do.

I am growing up. It's scary, but I have goal in sight, and so long as I am towards it with an upbeat attitude and chipper style, I know I can make it there smiling.

Breathe in, breathe out, and let every single thing go.

Then step out, and feel beautiful again.