Now the Bear Trap is Your Mouth

Everyone I know is playing StarCraft II.

It's funny how life can keep going on and on when you feel like you're stuck.
Like you've been stuck.
Like you'll always be stuck.

Like you're sitting out on a lake staring up at the sky at 7:03, seven hours pass, and it's 7:04.

No, I am not innebriated. No, I am not intoxicated.

But I'm also not thinking very clearly, if at all. I am fighting all sorts of urges and darknesses and everything is just pissing me off and everyone's reaction is just making me more and more annoyed. Because people are getting pissed at me. Because people are trying to help. Because people are leaving or not leaving or everything or nothing and I don't like any of their reactions and I want to be left alone and be surrounded by people at the same time.

Surrounded just so I know I have to act, have to be a certain way. So I can keep pretending. So that when people repeat that "everything is going to be okay" I can just nod and smile.

There was an investigation, forensics, finger prints, nineteen children died. Seven days in prison.

I am beyond gone. I am beyond desperate. I am just plain lost now, and I've lost all drive to try and pull myself in, so I'm just going to let myself wander more and more until I just deteriorate. I don't want to explain things to people half-cheerily, laughing even though it feels like I'm being stabbed in the stomach every time I replay the tale. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of feeling like I need to make up an exuse for feeling anything, for being worried, stressed, hurt, depressed. For feeling bad about making people worry. I just want it all to stop.

Dear jesus please make it fucking stop.