Gripping the Edge of my Seat

They say that the best way to live is on the edge of despair.
I disupte that.
I believe the best way to live is on the edge of euphoria.

Because still, after all this, when I get lost in my own thoughts, it still hurts. It still aches. And every time he says those words that I do so love to hear, I find it harder and harder to bite back tears.

So Im at odds with myself once again. I wish I werent such a damn pessimist.

God, it makes me so happy when people say how much change they've noticed, how many positive affects I've had on him, and vice versa, of course. I cant stop smiling when he's being sweet, cant stop laughing when he teases me, cant stop staring when my gaze locks with his.

And all I want more than anything in the world is just to be by his side.

So why these remnaint feelings? Why this worry, this inconcievable doubt? In truth, I know why. But Im too much of a chicken to ever do anything about it. If I just breathe, everything will be okay.

Yes, stress is a fact of every day life. I know that. And once upon a time, I thought I was good at dealing with it. Then I found out how terribly terribly wrong I was. Little by little, it's nicking parts of me off over time, soon Ill be reduced to rubble. Some days I feel so secure, and others I feel like Im teetering on the edge. Great. Now Im the bipolar one.

But I cant really help how I feel from day to day. God, if there's one thing I know it's how happy I've been these past few days. So why this choked up-ed-ness that seems to keep its grip on me? Why lie to him when he asks if Im okay? I trust him, I love him, if anything, I should be able to tell him Im having trouble breathing.

But I dont want to worry him. I dont want to add to his troubles.
Whether or not that's stubborn and stupid, I've yet to decide.

But above all, I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Forever and always.