Pride

...is a very lonely sin.

Too damn prideful to ask for help. Too damn prideful to even admit you need help in the first place. Too prideful to admit to something, to prideful to say what bothers you and what you're not okay with.

Too prideful for everything.

Independent. Bah. If only. I would not mind being clingy and following him like a puppy because I know deep down I am that desperate for his love and adoration. But there's no way my pride would ever step aside to let me do that. So instead I sit here by myself turning things over in my mind and coming to the same realization I always do - I do not know who the fuck I am, and thus cannot figure out what the fuck I ever want to do.

Because he was happy that I had my own interests. And I do, admitedly, but that doesn't mean I dislike being attached at the hip in certain situations, specifically those where I am in a strange environment surrounded by strange people I have never met before.

Or even fricken Otakon, where I felt completely abandoned and unwanted, and when we did meet up for certain panels he was cold and cruel and cranky, like he hated being around me. And yeah, I know I goofed with not knowing where the hotel was, but we found it eventually, and I had had other pressing matters filtering in and out of my head that at least in my opinion were much more important than a stupid convention.

But to quote, for a lot of it you do have to go "do your own thing" which works great I supposed with people who aren't morbidly terrified of being alone and suffer from extreme sessions of seperation anxiety which then turns to misplaced aggression.

But it's all my fault anyway because I am way to prideful to ever admit any of this.

I hate that I know all of my problems and cant solve them. It's very fucking frustrating. I really just want to let everything go but I feel that that's sort of denying some sort of emotion.

I don't want to bother anyone, so instead I get angry and defensive because I've lost the ability to hide my tears except not really because he only notices now and then and didn't notice at all during Otakon or Assateague so I guess I'm doing okay.

Because I'm falling apart and I'm completely alone and even though things are getting better they're only better when Im downing pills that make me feel so fake so I don't take them like I'm supposed to and then when I don't my mind is randomly infiltrated by thoughts of betrayal and older memories that manage to link together and wash up to my conscious thought processes and so I cut myself off from touch and words and everything and just want to be alone and at the same time being alone only makes it worse and I just can't win and really don't know what to do.

Especially now. One more week, and then I really am alone again. I'm such a pessimist. I don't want to feel fake but I don't want to keep having random crying sessions and I'm sick of always being so fucking miserable and there's really nothing I can do about it so I hate complaining about it because I know how annoying that can be.

Pride. It's fucking lonely man. Fucking lonely as hell.