Paranoid Schitzoid Sociopath

Except you can't be a schitzophrenic and a sociopath. They cancel eachother out.

I just have to remind myself that all teenagers profile as sociopaths, and maybe I can let up a little. Except that I'm over the age of 18 and every item on that damn list applies to me.

Relax girl.

Though this is so terribly hypocritical. Because I really need the constant attention. The constant diversions. I need to constantly be on at least one person's mind or in their line of sight. Maybe that's the real reason I hate being alone. Because I'm just that much of an attention whore.

I really want to find someone who can look me in the eye, say the understand, that they've been here, that everything I think and feel and worry about is normal and I can stop stressing out over every little detail and stop making assumptions.

Except then I would lose my uniqueness, so no, I don't wish that. I just wish I could relax.

But if I relaxed, that just wouldn't be me, would it?

Fuck, who the fuck am I. I'm sick of this.

And I complained and got annoyed last night because she was so worried that she hadn't received any texts from someone she barely knows. Aren't I in the exact same shoes right now? I can't tell what he's thinking when I'm reading what he types. And yes, I'm paranoid, and I think he's mad at me. Hiding something. Pretending to enjoy my company. Because I really don't fucking trust people.

Which means they're incapable of trusting me, because I don't want them too. I know how trust works, how easy it is to break yet how much it hurts to be betrayed and I don't want to have to trust people because that means they can hurt me. And becaues of that it means I can't let them trust or depend on me because I will let them down. And I can't do that.

I have an amazing ability to close myself off from anyone and still be content to be alive. I can hurt anyone and all of my relationships are shallow so when I walk away or someone leaves me, it doesn't hurt. And what comes to mind is an entry I wrote maybe a year ago, when I walked out of tech and just walked home.

It was so easy to leave. Because I wasn't really friends with any of them. And I didn't really care. They were annoying me. So I just left.

But in reality... I could walk away from anyone or anything. Am I really that incapable of feeling?

A terrible confession, when he cried, after he left and he was all broken up, I felt fine. I didn't feel any remorse. I wanted to watch Criminal Minds. And as much as I keep saying I want to change, I'm not entirely sure if that's true.

I still keep lying. About stupid things that don't matter. Making stuff up. Yeah. It's a compulsion. I don't have to, but I do anyway. Because it keeps people out and it keeps me safe and god dammit do I feel entitled to everything and nothing that happens is ever my fault even when it is.

I really am a sociopath. Or at the very least, I have sociopathic tendencies. Maybe when I grow up and get some responsibilities, have to care for people other than myself, maybe that will make me realize that it's not okay to treat people like toys. But it is oh so very amusing to watch them, like my own little marrionette, prettily turning on their strings, obeying my every whim.

It makes me feel powerful. In control. And god knows what a control freak I am.

Maybe that's why I am being so paranoid about this. I don't feel like I have control of the situation because I'm currently not the center of attention. So I self-sabatoge, or kind of, I send things out that require them to talk to me. I require people to give me the attention I want, because I feel I deserve it.

Or do I really. I'm really... Lost. And I want to ask for help, mostly because I want someone to pity me.

Or maybe not. Maybe this is really my attempt at reaching out, but I'm still so unsure, so I keep retreating.

I should know better than to touch the fire twice, but what is a fire, and why does it burn?