Rehab

I hate seeing people cry. Because it makes me unable to cry. Which is so selfish. But it's true. Am I that unfeeling? No. Because that hurt. And I am terrified. And I have no idea what's going to happen but I'm willing to take a risk and let go of my control.

Because I have felt like so much more myself. And it's so easy to smile. And it's so easy to let this grow into something wonderful, something real, with everything out in the open and laid out on the table and maybe, just maybe I really can just be myself and be happy with it.

Because ...

And my train of thought has been... Completely thrown off its tracks. By one simple message.

Can I be trusted? With other people's secrets, yes. With my own, yes. I can keep a secret like no other. But I don't want to. This is not what I want. I don't want to be... Like this. I want to be open and trustworthy and beautiful. And yet I continue to do these ugly things, and apparently I have no remorse because they continue.

I fell into such a bad habit. And I don't know how to reverse that. And I took something from someone who didn't deserve anything less than a world of happiness. And now I am wallowing in my own self-loathing, but that's something I am used to.

I am so worried about him. And I feel as though I have to do something. Anything. But there's nothing I can do. I can't take my words back, I don't have a time machine, I can't magically make things right.

I gave up being perfect in the hopes that being me is enough. I hope it's enough.

Please, please, please oh please let it be enough...