Another Net To Catch Me

Is it a lie if on days when I feel my worst I act like I'm at my best?

I let the little things seem like they brighten up my day that much more, but I really don't think they do.

Today sucked all around. From the moment I woke up by slamming my head off my headboard, climbing down and slicing my leg, and then having to take a cold shower. To my boring stats class. To failing at opening the door in Fisher. To the nasty muffin I got. To my terrible italian presentation. To my break of reading because I couldn't think of anything else to do. To my god awful boring and mundane poetry presentation. To my meeting where I knew more than my adviser, and then eating fake macoroni and cheese for dinner because there was nothing else. Then skipping out on work, bad idea. And then that meeting that we really didn't get anything done at.

But through it all, with all these thoughts going through my head, anyone who saw me would have believed me to be the happiest, most energetic person alive, especially at 9 in the morning.

I have a quiz tomorrow. Another 50 minutes of my life wasted in that classroom. Then a drive home to swindle my mom out of more money that I know she doesn't have.

Deep down. What am I deep down?

"Which wolf will win?"          ............. "Whichever one you feed."

Which one am I feeding? Have I fed? What if they tie? I can't stand ties, I need extremes. Which is so hypocritcal because I know everything works best when done in moderation.

I don't know.

Life is. What is the meaning of life? There  isn't one, life just is. We are here because here is the only place we can be.

Because something is ALWAYS better than nothing.

Except I really don't believe that.

But I like where I am. I like the new friends I've made and I like the best friend I have here and the one I have at home and I like the boy I visit.

The boy I visit... Because my romantic interest just simply can't be discussed and analyzed enough. Because I analyze everything that happens and everything he does and take it all as being purposeful when I know more than half of it is not.

I have this anxious feeling in my head that screams every time I start to reflect. That he's too inexperienced. That I will make him jaded. That it's impossible for him to feel good emotions that go as deep as mine because he hasn't felt the bad ones that go equally as deep.

You can only know how good something is if you've experienced something equally bad.

Which means I will always be in a situation where I cherish things others do so often take for granted.

Things such as Love. Home. Comfort. Smiling. Hugs. Friendship. Truth. Silly String.

I know how it feels to have everything taken away from you, to have nothing, no one, to be left all alone in the dark surrounded by nothingness and to scream and have no one hear you or worse yet, have them push you down harder just to see how loud you can get.

I know how it feels to be kicked and shoved and pinched and pushed and taken advantage of and abandoned and left behind and hurt and betrayed and manipulated.

And it is those feelings that make it impossible for me not to cherish every little good moment that comes and what helps me realize that bad days like today really aren't so bad, which is why the sun shines so brightly.

It is the feeling of being taken for granted that causes you to cherish.
I know how to love. How to cherish. I know how to care about someone unconditionally, to forgive any heresy fully and completely. I know how to give people second chances and I know how to trust. I know how to love more deeply and more fully than anyone I have ever met.

I know so many things, yet I refuse to act upon them.

Because knowing what it's like to be hurt is more powerful than knowing what it is like to love. Knowing what it's like to be betrayed is more powerful than knowing what it's like to trust.

Oh, I've grown up long before my time, and I am so old and wise and I know so many things.

What I do not know, however, is what it feels like to be loved.