What I'd Like To Make Myself Believe

Do I really have the guts.

Does this count as self-sabotage?

If I keep my mouth shut, I risk nothing. But why did I even do it in the first place? Or I could be completely honest and hope for the best.

Which one means I really care? Except... Everything is never as it seems...

My conscious effort only began when I actually started caring. And that makes it that much worse. Maybe I'll be brave. Maybe I'll continue hiding behind my veil of perfection.

Butterflies. My mind reflects, and my tummy gets butterflies. And is it really that big a deal? It is a part of who I am. I'm the reason why you can't get to sleep, I'm the girl you never get just quite what you see...

That's because you only see what I want you to see. Nothing more, nothing less. I know what to show and I know what to hide and I know that no matter what I decide, everything will be alright, because I've never let myself trust anyone, and in order to start, I have to tell the truth.

About everything. However, telling the truth now makes so much more seem like a lie. Except... I didn't lie about everything. Actually, the majority has in fact been truth. The hooks, however, to get that first bite... First impressions are so very very important. I was brave this morning. And the more and more I mull over it, the less and less brave I become. So now what?

I stop for a few seconds. Take a few breaths. Close my eyes. And hope for the best.