Keeping My Cards

Im so incredibly comfortable right now. Pajama's for the win. The wonderful thing about it, I spent the entire day in my PJs, and didnt stay home from school ^_^

This whole agreement thing, it really is a paradoxal double edged sword. Oh well. I made it, signed my name to it, so I guess when he really wants to know something, I have to answer - truthfully.

Is that the reason I made this? Just to keep my thoughts straight so I can sort out what's a lie and what's not... Ill figure it out sometime. Ill stop being a pathelogical liar, I swear. There's no reason for me to be something or someone that I dont like - if it really botherse me, I can change it so I can be happy with myself.

Especially when the lies dont really mean anything. When there's no point to them except to make the story sound better. Gah. Breathe girl, you're doing fine. Dont get too worked up now, you wanna get your fever down.

Speaking of which, I simply refuse to be sick. Im taking whatever I can to prevent it.

No more tech. Im guna get a job I think. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself, even though I doubt I'll have the guts to actually just walk away. I dunno.

I really cant think. I think I might just be creating problems. But Im not sure. It's either that or Im finally figuring out how to stand up for myself and tell certain people to go to hell and not let them walk all over me. One or the other. Im not entirely sure yet.

It makes me chuckle to think of how fast everything changed. How much I still want to be his very close friend, but at the same time I want to leave all that kind of drama behind.

I wish I could imprint. Im so jealous that Jacob could drop everything else in the world to care for Nessie and Nessie alone. She always takes prescidence over all his thoughts and actions... He gave himself to her whole heart and soul, and she the same to him.

But in the world of non-fiction, you cant do things like that. You end up throwing away your life for one person, and then you end up feeling worse off because they dont appreciate it. But in my mind, that means they really didnt give the person their entire heart and soul like they claimed to - they just spit our words that they thought the other person wanted to hear, pretended that they cared, when really they were just seeking gratification.

I feel all melancholy now. But I'll pep up in a bit, all I have to do is think about certain people, and getting yelled at by my mom for being late - well, the reason I was late anyway.

I really wish I could unconditionally give him my whole heart and soul. It is something I really, truely want to do. But I know he would never want me to drop everything, especially for him.

I love him so much.