A Shadow From The Past

I saw him today. For the first time in years. There he was, eating, laughing, his children, my sisters, giggling beside him. And he looked at me - there was no recognition in his eyes. And as he got up to leave, I made a mistake, a huge mistake.

I ran after him.
I caught up with him, tapped him on the shoulder, and said something that I havent said since he left. "Hi Dad."

And it hurt so bad to stand there. My heart was beating so loud, so fast, as he took me in, sized me up, hugged me with those rugged arms, the fakeness of his enthusiasm washing over me, bringing back every distorted memory of time we'd spent together, times he broke his promise to come see me.

And there was Mickey and Gabby - adorable as ever, Mickey's hair cut short, Gabby still as blonde as an angel. They remembered me. They didnt hug me, didnt hold my hand like they used to, like they did that night at the fair. But they recognized me. And Jeneane smiled her big fake smile, but why shouldnt she? If it werent for my existence, she'd have $400 more in income each month.

Is that what I've been reduced to? Just a reason for them to lose money. Just a mistake of his past. And I had no idea it would hurt so much to see him there, to have him look right over me.

To finally have my proof that he had forgotten me.

And I dont understand. Why have children. Why leave one family to go make another? Oops, this one's gone wrong, let's drop it and start over with someone else.

Once upon a time, my parents were in love. Once upon a time, he came across states to find her again, and then after a few years he left again. But this time he finally found what he was looking for. He found a woman to love, a family he could be proud of, a business to run. His life was complete and full. He makes good money, goes to church every Sunday. Visits his mom once a week.

Im just a shadow of his past. A shadow of the mistakes he once made, before god entered his life and enlightened him. Before he married happy and had children that he loves.

I wonder if they ever think about me. I wonder if they think about him. Does he even go visit them anymore? Does he still have to sign child support checks to them, now that they're over 18? Did they go to college I wonder?

Do they remember pulling tissues and candies out of my ears at Mumu's house? Do they even know that they have three more little half-sisters, did he bother to tell them he re-married?

Ive grown up without them. It's been years since any of them have sifted into my life.

So why is it that Im hoping against all hope that tomorrow the phone will ring, and Ill go out to see a movie with a man I've sworn doesnt affect me one way or another anymore?

And at the same time, I know it's foolish to hope. Im older now, I understand how easy it is to be out of sight and out of mind. Im not even sure I want him back in my life, after all he's done. All the pain he's inflicted on me, on my mother, all those nights I spent crying as a child, wishing I had a father.

And as stupid as it seems... As hurtful as it is to think about... I still want him to care. I want him to show and interest, to call once and a while, to prove to me that my existence isnt meaningless. But would he even approve of me?

I mean look at me. Im not exactly a model influence. I dont believe in god, how could I? I curse and swear, I talk about sex and spend my days watching anime and criticizing the government. Ive had fits of depression, I lie more than any human being should, Im selfish, spoiled, and an all around horrible person.

He left me once. He visited every so often, but he has a family, a new life. And I know Im not a part of it. I dont know anything about him. Do I even really want to? What good would it do me? Im moving out soon anyway, to be on my own, to live my own life and make a name for myself. But for what? So he'll see it, so he'll see the life he could have been a part of, but choose not to? Will he even care if he sees my name somewhere? Will he come to my graduation? My wedding? Will I even invite him? Or will the only place I ever see him be the courts for domestic relations?

Why does it even matter? It's been so many years. Its stupid to want him to care, to hope that he'll call and at the same time pray that the phone doesnt ring. I dont want another shallow relationship with him. It's all or nothing, I cant handle his facade anymore.

Daddy's girl's a fucking monster.