A Girl Like Me

Maybe it's just because Im a moody, horribly angsty teenager. Maybe it's just because I've lost focus on things. Maybe it's because deep down Im really not the person I think I am - there are so many reasons for why I cant prevent myself from letting my thoughts spill out, a million justifications for the clacking sound I just need to hear on my keyboard.

But do I really need an exuse? If this is something that deep down I truely love to do, does it matter what people think about it, if they think Im wrong or side with me? No, I think if this is something I truely love, no matter how bad or good it is, I can do it with the confidence that what anyone else thinks about the phrases and wording doesnt matter.

Deep down, I want people to read this - to read everything I write, just so they might maybe get a little insight as to how I think and what I think about. But that of course would also be assuming that anyone really wanted to get inside my head, which is a tad bit egotistical. I wonder if that's why it bothers me so much.

Personally, I enjoy my extrovert personality - I love acting crazy and being loud and tackling my friends or dancing with them in the middle of the school hallways. It makes me smile, it makes me happy. But it hurts, it hurts quite a bit when the person you care about most looks at you like you're just some circus freak.

I firmly believe my fiction stories have permanently skewed my view of human character. Maybe I just expect too much from people - especially from non-readers. I love people watching. I adore figuring out how people think and why they think that way, what's gone on in their life, how they react to certain circumstances. I wonder if I enjoy watching people because I subconsciously feel superior to them... I highly doubt that though, because I dont exclude myself from my subjugations.

I wonder if he knows how much power words have. I wonder if he realizes how much his words hurt me sometimes... How hard it is to still stare back at him, to act like they dont bother me and keep talking, instead of turning around and crawling in a corner. Maybe I'm just too sensitive for my own good... But if I am, then maybe that's just one of my characteristics. And if that's so, and he truely loves me, would it really be that hard for him to watch what he says?

My mother's always told me the most important part of a relationship is to be completely and totally honest about how you feel about the other person.

I am in love with him. I always watch for him, I always try to catch his eyes and make him look back. Im incredibly curious about what he likes and why, and infatuated with figuring out what makes him think the way he does and what makes him act the way he acts. I want to learn everything about him, the good and the bad things, the rights and the wrongs. Which is why it hurts me so much when one day everything's perfect, it's borderline paradise, and the next I feel like he cant even stand to be seen with me.

And the worst part just may be that he's completely oblivious to how deeply his words affect me, and how confused I get when his actions then contradict his words. Maybe it's because he's one of the few people I cant read. Maybe Im just overthinking and over-sensitive.

But I've always grown up believing in the power of words. Believing in the power of communication. And I really dont feel like Im over-reacting; he might see it as that way, but maybe that's just because he doesnt think like me, and therefore cant see circumstance from my point of view.

How's that going to work out then... If he cant consider how I feel, how can he ever get to know me?

My pure unadulterated thoughts. And I really dont want to keep them secret. I swear to god I'd implode if I didnt keep diaries like this. "Dont change yourself for me." Ok, that's easy - I never plan to change myself for anyone. But what happens when the person I am is not the person you thought I was? I really do feel like he doesnt really like me at all sometimes... Then the next day he'll totally contradict himself by pointing out my virtues instead of my flaws. And he calls me the confusing one...

Perhaps I just think way too much. But Im sick of making up exuses for feelings like this. Maybe I just actual feel hurt and dejected because what he says really gets under my skin. And I probably feel hurt because he doesnt realize how much his words and actions affect me. There are no exuses. I just feel hurt. Period.

So since Im the one hurt, why is it that Im so afraid to say anything? Is it because Im afraid what his answer will be if I start asking him to measure what he says? If he loves me like he says he does, wouldnt he prefer to know it, so as to stop hurting my feelings? Or maybe I should just chalk it up to me being sick and him being sick and the stress of teenaged life, let it pass without saying a word, and have everything be better come tomorrow.

Tomorrow...
That's so easy to think about. I know that even if we got in a fight, if we ended up not talking to eachother, possibly even hating eachother for a period of time... Even if I was infuriated with him beyond all reason... If I ever found out that I only had a limited amount of time to live, Id drop every hurt, everything I blamed him for, and beg for forgiveness, get over my pride, get over my humility and beg for him to hold me, beg for him not to hate me.

And maybe Im full of myself, but I believe he'd forgive me. Because I know I'd forgive him if the sides were reversed. And I know he doesnt hate me - Id like to believe he could never, ever hate me, based on the fact that no matter what he'll ever do, I could never hate him. No matter the circumstance, I can never hate him.

And I really hope he feels the same as I do. He has to, doesnt he?

If he really means what he says, if he really thinks we'll be happy, we'll stay together, he has to believe that if we ever did fight we'd make up. I have faith in this world we've created. I have faith in this person I've opened up to. I have faith in the trust I've put in him.

I have faith in this love.